Monthly Archives: March 2007

Fiction

Friday is Fiction Day.

March 9, 2007 – 9:30 am

First Lines
Introductions to classic works I will never finish:

spinning Friday is Fiction Day. Ross: Don’t you get tired?

Clem: No.

Ross: Frustrated?

Clem: Don’t you ever shut up?

Ross: It’s just like spinning plates…

Clem: No, it IS spinning plates. It’s not LIKE spinning plates.

Ross: I know that, I was just using “like” as a colloquial transition.

Clem: Like a valley girl?

Ross: Yeah, I like a valley girl. Her name is Buffay. You should see some of the stuff from our IM the other night.

Clem: No, dipstick, not “Do you like a valley girl?” More like, so you’re talking like a valley girl now?

Ross: Oh, right. Hmmph. You got me, man. She must be, like, rubbing off on me.

Clem: Too bad you’ll never rub off on her.

Ross: Damn, dude, have a little faith.

Clem: “Dude,” give it up. We’re in Lincoln, Nebraska. She’s in Tarzana! You’ve had two, like, online chats, and you think it’s a long distance relationship or something.

Ross: Two similar online chats? I guess they were thematically, like, congruent.

Clem: Shut up. Don’t you have anything better to do than watch me practice plate-spinning on a Saturday night?

Ross: Yeah, I’ve got plenty I could be doing. But I like to watch you wince every time you break one. Besides, in the realm of indoor dinnerware sports, I’d say the spinner is much more a loser than the audience.

Clem: Whatever, man. Those who can’t, like, watch.

Ross: No, those who can’t, like, spin.

Clem: No, those who can’t, like, read Spin.

Ross: That’s brutal, dude! It’s my mom. She keeps renewing my subscription.

Clem: No kidding, man, I’m still getting Highlights!

Ross: Highlights! Whoo! I, like, love you, man.

Clem: And I, like, like you.

Ross: Does you’re wife know you’ve resorted to using the fine China from the hutch?

Clem: Nah, dude, after she entered our Corolla in the demolition derby last month, I can do no wrong.

Ross: You guys are so, like, like-minded.

Clem: Stutter much?

Five plates simultaneously fall to the floor in a tinny crash. Clem winces.

Animal Tracks
Paul S. presents the top ten tunes of animal bands:

6. Dinosaur Jr. – In a Jar

play
stop

“One of their best songs with the original
lineup and before they flirted with mtv success.”

Online Museum of the Week
Oolong the Rabbit (with objects on his head) :

chahu2.sized Friday is Fiction Day.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk.
Stephen King

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.com
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

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Miscellany

Thursday is List Day.

March 8, 2007 – 9:30 am

circle1 Thursday is List Day. Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Reasons I Don’t Feel Like Blogging Today

1. Stayed up later than I should have. Lately, I just can’t go to sleep without watching a monologue. Last night was a Jimmy Kimmel night. Conan nights are earlier, and Letterman nights are optimal for a good night’s rest.

2. My coffee has not kicked in yet.

3. Other bloggers are way better than me.

4. Captain America is dead, and I am mourning. It’s not just that he died; I learned that all his power came from “Super Soldier serum.” Captain A. was a doper! First baseball, then cycling, now we find out that superheroes have been using steroids since the 1940’s! No wonder he’s been able to fight evil for almost seventy years! Never aging a day! I urge Congress to investigate immediately.

5. What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? Drool.

6. I had another dream about Shakira last night. Distracting.

7. I just don’t feel as wildly interesting as I do every other weekday.

8. My tap water smelled like wet dog this morning.

9. Co-workers keep coming into my cube, and I don’t want them to learn my secret identity.

10. One more bit of information might finally overstuff the Internet. Must use ~~economic language~~ tiny words.

circle2 Thursday is List Day. Animal Tracks
Paul S. presents the top ten tunes of animal bands:

7. Bugs Eat Books – Headful of Rocks

play
stop

“saw this band at the Athens
popfest and was immediately hooked on this song”

circle3 Thursday is List Day. Online Museum of the Week
Oolong the Rabbit (with objects on his head) :

nui Thursday is List Day.

circle4 Thursday is List Day. Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The vehicle of choice for flying dinosaurs of the American west.
Highlight here for answer: [dragon wagon]

circle5 Thursday is List Day. If I Had a Million Dollars
Unnecessary products that inexplicably tempt me:

doormat anim Thursday is List Day.
“Come in” / “Go away” Doormat!
This mind boggling doormat reads differently depending whether you are walking in or out of the house.
Available soon!
Thanks to Arbroath for the link.

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.com
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

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Miscellany

Wednesday is Survey Day!

March 7, 2007 – 9:30 am

circle1 Wednesday is Survey Day! Something’s Gotta Go!
A classic road game from The Ginn Sisters. Vote!

I’ve discovered this swanky BuzzDash thing, so Wednesday is now a day to get your opinion on some pressing issues facing modern man. Like this:

Please do participate. You’ll have until next Wednesday to make your decision and vote.

circle2 Wednesday is Survey Day! Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Well, friends, I just peeked at my calendar to discover that I’ve got a relatively busy week all up in my face. Perhaps it would be therapeutic for me and informative for you if I run down my upcoming appearances. Tonight, Matt the Electrician and I return to Café Mundi where rumors of a Bruce Hughes appearance are not without merit. If you haven’t picked up your copy of Playing: Live at Café Mundi, tonight offers another chance to do just that. Do you have some aversion to personal enjoyment? I didn’t think so.

Wednesday, March 7th, 2007
8:00 PM
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St
Austin, TX
512-236-8634

http://cafemundi.com

Saturday, I’ll wake up early to play music and purchase vegetable jerky at the Sunset Valley Farmer’s Market. My friend Jimmy Joe hosts a weekly showcase there, and according to AccuWeather, it’s gonna be a beautiful day to squeeze fruit before noon.

Saturday, March 10th, 2007
11:00 AM
Sunset Valley Farmer’s Market
Sunset Valley, TX

http://sunsetvalleyfarmersmarket.org/

Performing as part of Jimmy Joe Natoli’s weekly showcase. Outdoor fun! At the Toney Burger Center on 290 West between Brodie Lane and Westgate Blvd.

That night, Matt & I will take our new CD to my hometown of Houston, where we’ll perform at the legendary Anderson Fair. It’s one of my favorite venues, ‘cause the sound, the atmosphere, and the people are all top notch.

Saturday, March 10th, 2007
8:00 PM
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant
Houston, TX
713.528.8576

http://andersonfair.com

Finally, and perhaps most interestingly, I’ll join nineteen other creative folks to answer the question “What if?” on Monday at The Parish in Austin. I’ll have two minutes to do so, and the concept just tickles the heck right out of me. Read more about it below, and make plans to get your week started off in a whirlwind of thought-provoking entertainment.

Monday, March 12th, 2007
7:00 PM
20×2 v. 7.0: “What If?”
The Parish
214 E Sixth St. (above Jazz)
Austin, TX 78701
(512) 479-0474

http://20×2.org

What happens when you take twenty artists, designers, writers, musicians and bon vivants, give them each two minutes and the same question to answer, and turn them loose before a live audience? This is the premise of 20×2, a staple of SXSW Interactive that marks its tenth overall show in Austin on Monday, March 12th. With each show, 20×2 asks twenty participants to each answer the same question in a two-minute time frame, before a live audience. 20×2, version 7.0 (they´re numbered like software releases, get it?) asks its speakers “What If?” Be there as assorted designers, musicians, DJs, novelists and more answer the question in creative fashion.

Alright, I’m spent. Thanks for keeping up with my goings-on. See y’all out there!

circle3 Wednesday is Survey Day! Online Museum of the Week
Oolong the Rabbit (with objects on his head):

akapi Wednesday is Survey Day!

circle4 Wednesday is Survey Day! Animal Tracks
Paul S. presents the top ten tunes of animal bands:

8. Regeneration Bear Band – Mississippi

play
stop

“The Regeneration Bear Band has given us a glimpse of what a new Beatles album would sound like if the original members reunited. I say that with the full knowledge that two of the members are dead.”

circle5 Wednesday is Survey Day! Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

I loved Mississippi and do to this day. The rainbows that stretch from horizon to horizon after a summer rain are the most spectacular I have ever seen.
Charley Pride

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.com
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

.....................

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Lyric Song

Tuesday is Music Day!

March 6, 2007 – 9:30 am

circle1 Tuesday is Music Day! iPawed [classic track]
Pound for pound, the best sounds around. For free!

Good morning. I’m starting a new tradition here at the Gazette. You know how new CDs and DVDs are released on Tuesdays? Well, I’m going to try to tap into that energy and put some music into the world. Do I have a new recording today? Uh, no.

Instead, I present to you a recent classic from Bedroom Demos Vol. 1: Zero Demand. It’s called X-Ray Vision, and you can click below to hear and/or download the whole thing.

ipawed Tuesday is Music Day! X-Ray Vision

This song and others are available for purchase on iTunes, and you can order hard copies on southpawjones.com!

This song came out of a weekly song title challenge at Cafe Mundi, back when Bruce Hughes joined Matt the Electrician and me regularly. I had one week to write this “X-Ray Vision,” and I distinctly remember planning not to do it. But then I got the idea of a man with uncontrollable x-ray vision. He’s looking all around, seeing through buildings, and he often can’t look his girlfriend in the face. That, my friends, is silly and tragic enough for a Southpaw Jones song. I combined that idea with a melody for an old folk song and voila!

The question is this: Did I realize that this was a fine metaphor for the life of an artist? Always tortured by the inner world instead of satisfied with the surface? Well, I wish I could say yes, but the truth is, I don’t remember.

When Joe Gross reviewed the CD for the Austin American-Statesman, he explored the idea:

Over spare, occasional drum-machine rhythms and guitar, Jones muses on the cons of uncontrollable “X-Ray Vision,” using the power as a metaphor for the constant mental wheel-turning with which artists make art: “I long to look at your skin/ I’m tired of worshiping what’s within” and “I’d rather see wrinkles than another lost soul.” But he can close with, “There’s a bone in your fried fish/I’d leave that bite there,” and pull it off.

There you go, and that there brings us to Act 2 of Music Day here at the Gazette. Now that you’ve heard the song, check out the lyrics! You should know that I almost went with “cod” instead of “fish” in that last line. It’s those decisions that haunt me in my sleep.

circle2 Tuesday is Music Day! Original Song Lyrics
I write the songs that make the whole world read:

X-Ray Vision

You’ve got beautiful muscles and a big wholesome heart
Your ribs start together and then drift apart
There’s black in your lung from the smoke of your youth
And some minor decay in your #12 tooth

But I long to look at your skin, your skin
I’m tired of worshipping what’s within
For once I could act like those shallow ass guys
Who stare at your chest, not straight through your eyes

I couldn’t describe the shade of your hair
As well as the shapes in the building back there
The man in that high rise is about to disrobe
So I return my attention to your frontal lobe

But I long to look at your flesh
I’m bored with watching your nerve endings mesh
I’d rather be dealing with your blemished face
Than to know all the routes that your blood vessels trace

I’ve got x-ray vision and I’ve got no control
I’d rather see wrinkles than another lost soul
And I’d rather see you comin’ through the hole in my door
Than to look down in sadness at the earth’s molten core

There’s a bone in your fried fish
I’d leave that bite there.

circle3 Tuesday is Music Day! Gained in Translation
Works magically refreshed by translation and re-translation:

X-Ray Vision
(translated from English to Portuguese, then Portuguese to English)

You have.got the pretty muscles and a heart that wholesome great
its reinforcements start together and drift there then distant
are black in its lung of the tobacco of its youth
and of some lesser deterioration in its tooth #12

But I long to look at its skin, its skin
that I am tired to adore what he is inside
for a flat time me could act as those guys
that they look at fixed in its box, straight right-hander nao of the donkey its eyes

I could not describe the mask of its hair
as.well.as the forms in the building I stop there backwards
the man who the high ascension is approximately to disrobe
thus that I return mine attention its lobe frontal

But I long to look at its meat that
I am pierced with giving to attention its mesh of endings of nerve
I to rather I would be dealing with its face blemished
of that it stops knowing all the routes who its boats of blood follow

I have.got the vision of ray X and I not have.got no control
that I would see to rather wrinklings of that one another lost soul
and I we would see it to rather comin ‘ through the puncture in my door
of that for looking at for softly in sadness in the melted nucleus of the land

He has a bone in its fish that fried
I would leave this bite there.

“The melted nucleus of the land!” I love it.

circle4 Tuesday is Music Day! Online Museum of the Week
Oolong the Rabbit (with objects on his head) :

kitchenpaper Tuesday is Music Day!

circle5 Tuesday is Music Day! Animal Tracks
Paul S. presents the top ten tunes of animal bands:

9. Neil Young & Crazy Horse – Powderfinger

play
stop

“ok, it’s a bit of a stretch to call this an animal band, but it’s my list so eat it”

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Miscellany

Monday, have mercy.

March 5, 2007 – 9:30 am

circle1 Monday, have mercy. Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

I can’t believe I’m back here in this office. That weekend flew by with one arm outstretched like Superman. Friday, Maggie and I hit up Matt the Electrician’s CD release celebration at the Saxon Pub, where the band sounded grrrreat!

Saturday, we headed to Houston for my cousin Randi Lynn’s wedding. It was a lovely affair, and Randi is the last of my four cousins to tie the knot. That means the silly, traditional family pressure is now solely on me.

“You’re next, ____,” they’d jest all sing-songish, the only people in my life who still call me by my real name.
“When are we gonna get an invitation to your wedding?”
“Why didn’t you try to catch the garter?”
“You know, if you wait too long, you’re gonna be too set in your ways for marriage.”
Sigh.

If only it had any affect whatsoever. These people’s marriages are like those Geico caveman commercials. They look like fun, and I don’t turn my head when they come around, but that doesn’t mean I’m thinking about switching companies any time soon.

We had dinner with my mother and stayed the night with Maggie’s parents before heading back to Austin yesterday. Good times and hospitality all around. Maggie likes to point out cows and flowers on the roadside, and there were many of both resting in the sunshine.

I made it back to my place in time to hit the Town Lake Hike & Bike Trail for six miles before dark. It’s amazing how much my attitude has changed toward exercise. I get back from a weekend trip, and before I watch the latest Netflix offering, before I meander on the Ethernet, before I make plans for dinner, I absolutely have to get some miles in. Especially when the weather is beautiful and the kite festival, while waning, is still offering quite a bit of sky candy.

It wasn’t a great week for total mileage, however. I only got at it three out of six days, earning 16 miles for the Southpaw Jones Virtual Excursion des Pieds. But that’s a total of 207.4 miles for the year, and those miles have landed me in…

tour09 Monday, have mercy.

Kennard, Texas!

What to say about Kennard? Well, it was started as a community built around a mill in 1899, and by 1912, it was a quite a decent town with a population of 600. But, alas, the mill ate up all the trees in the area and closed down. The population is now just 317. But it’s a fine place to virtually hunker down, and they’re all nice people.

Well, 316 of them are nice, anyhow. I’m looking at you, Roy.

circle2 Monday, have mercy. Rhyme Time!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

A thought that one pays to borrow.
Highlight here for answer: [mental rental]

circle3 Monday, have mercy. Online Museum of the Week
Oolong the Rabbit (with objects on his head):

mikan Monday, have mercy.

circle4 Monday, have mercy. Animal Tracks
Paul S. presents the Top Ten Animal-Friendly Song Titles:

10. Jayhawks – Blue

play
stop

“this might have been higher if it hadn’t been
run into the ground and the theme song for some vh1 show”

circle5 Monday, have mercy. Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

Yes, I believe blue material is funny, but if that’s all you’ve got, you’re dead in the water. It’s not good.

Howard Stern

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Southpaw Jones

Monthly Archives: March 2007

Friday is Fiction Day.

Thursday is List Day.

Wednesday is Survey Day!

Tuesday is Music Day!

Monday, have mercy.

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