Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Yes, Tuesday means it’s time for me to admit defeat once again. I did not get an entry included in last week’s Top Ten Contest on the CBS web site. And once again, the winning entries are disappointing. If you ask me, my Top Ten Pet Peeves of The Transformers had more chuckle power.

What’s a man to do? Try, try again. This week’s topic is Top Ten Things Overheard In Line For The New Harry Potter Book, which is easy, because I was actually in line for the book Friday night! Actually, I was in line for Maggie’s book; mine came via Amazon on Saturday. It was quite the carnival at Austin’s best independent bookstore, Bookpeople. There were Harries, Hagrids, Phoenixes, and Snitches. College professors, punks, parents, and tweens. And a little bit of rain. But we had fun.

Now the list:

1. Is that a homeless guy or a Mad-Eye Moody?

2. This be the line for the enchanted phone?

3. No, it’s not infected, and yes, I need a ride home.

4. The scar is real, and these are not dress robes! Now let me grab my US Weekly and get out of here!

5. No, here’s how you mount a broomstick!

6. You say “hur-MY-nee,” I say “hur-MO-wine.” And I’m the freak?

7. It’ll be Joshy’s summer reader, his booster chair, AND his textbook for confronting loss.

8. There’ll all out of butterbeer, Mr. President. And you’re illiterate.

9. In Britain, they call this a really long, nerd-filled “queue.”

10. Again? I bet Kingsley Shacklebolt doesn’t have to pee every fifteen minutes!

Wish me luck! Besame mucho!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

[W]e have gone far beyond any previous president … in breaking our backs to be nicey-nice to the Cabinet, staff and the Congress … around Christmastime…I have treated them like dignified human beings and not like dirt under my feet.
Richard Nixon, wondering why people don’t like him

Online Museum of the Week
Pimp Cups!:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I was about to perform the autopsy, when I discovered this man’s large intestine was missing. Do you think someone snatched it? Who would want a…
Highlight here for answer: [stolen colon]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, July 26th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://cafemundi.com

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.com
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Happy Friday! Thanks to everyone who came out to Café Mundi last night. Next Thursday is our last one before the northward move!

I’ve been putting together this here Gazette for almost a year now. It’s hard to believe, but the anniversary of Day One is coming up on August 1st. It’s, I’ve, We’ve come a long way, and I’m enjoying it more than ever. My goal is to have 1,000 daily visitors by the end of 2007, and I’m about halfway there.

You can help! Tell your friends that their collection of bookmarks and favorites is not complete without southpawjones.com. Tell them how regular it is, like the 2 am wake-up-and-pee routine of an octogenarian. It arrives like magic in the mid-morning of every weekday, right at the moment when you’re most likely to kill yourself using office supplies.

You get the idea. I went to the trouble of composing some promotional messages for you to share if you like. Here’s how they work: Copy/Paste the first emboldened line into the Subject of an e-mail, Copy/Paste the conclusion into the Body, then simply send it to all your friends and family. Here are seven to choose from:

Your personal evolution…
…is only advanced once or twice a month, but Southpaw Jones updates his Dot Net Gazette every weekday. Look it in the eye!
This message composed and approved for the promotion of Southpawjones.com.

I could have sworn…
…I heard you say you were “bored with the Internets.” That girl you were talking to…did she ever call you? I didn’t think she would. You see, girls in bars don’t like whiny blokes. They like The Southpaw Jones Dot Net Gazette. Touch its arm!
This message composed and approved for the promotion of Southpawjones.com.

Give a man a fish…
…and The Southpaw Jones Dot Net Gazette. Check on him in five years and send me a report. [Please summarize, though. That last report of yours was a Fitzgeraldian torture.]
This message composed and approved for the promotion of Southpawjones.com.

Most blogs…
…make me feel like one thousand worms just woke up in my ears, nose, and throat. The Southpaw Jones Dot Net Gazette puts them right back to sleep. Scratch its neck!
This message composed and approved for the promotion of Southpawjones.com.

It’s maximum carnage!
And it’s all your fault! Before a rabid mob comes to avenge their loved ones, I suggest you take a moment’s solace in The Southpaw Jones Dot Net Gazette. Render it seedless!
This message composed and approved for the promotion of Southpawjones.com.

Have you seen her?
Tell me, have you seen her? Oh!
This message composed and approved for the promotion of Southpawjones.com.

This weekend…
…will be gone before you know it. Monday morning, check out The Southpaw Jones Dot Net Gazette. You have a choice when you fly!
This message composed and approved for the promotion of Southpawjones.com.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

That’s different for everybody. You add up all your mortal sins, multiply that number by 50, then you add up all your venial sins and multiply that by 25. You add them together, and that’s your sentence. I figure i’m gonna have to do about 6,000 years before I get accepted into heaven. And 6,000 years is nothing in eternity terms. I could do that standing on my head. It’s like a couple of days here.
Paulie Walnuts, The Sopranos

Online Museum of the Week
Banned License Plates of New York:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The vice president actually runs everything. I just act like I rule the land. I call it…
Highlight here for answer: [feigning reigning]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, July 26th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://cafemundi.com

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.com
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick accused of participating in dog fighting! What is the world coming to?

Atlanta has a football team? I guess I haven’t been keeping up.

Apparently, the nasty, cruel violence of the pooch fights was not what got Vick in trouble. The indictment states that the stronger dogs were given unfair advantages to glide through obedience school.

I just goes to show, you can’t buy off the sick sadist inside yourself, no matter how much money you make. He’s a quarterback, right? Wealthy beyond my wildest dreams, right? Doesn’t he have Tivo? Fine wine? Swimming pools? Movie stars? Georgia peaches?

“That’s all great, Southpaw, but my true passion is organizing bloody, howling fights between pit bulls.”

Ok, well, that’s trashy, Michael Vick. Give them little gloves and teach them to stand for a boxing match, and I’ll pay to see your little backyard show.

Hell, if I had that kind of money, I’d teach cats how to talk, then I’d host Feline Debates in my basement.
Sunday!
Sunday!
SUNDAY!
Tabby versus Siamese, featuring the question, “Can you really know another being intimately?”
Calico versus Maine Coon regarding “Knowledge at Birth: A Little, Nada, or Simply Preset Forms for Dissemination and Storage?”

Thank GOD I have the Trinity Broadcasting Network so I don’t have to watch monsters like Michael Vick play football on Sunday. Do you like the pads, Michael? Do you like the helmet, Michael? Do you like not dying at the end of the game? Frrrrreak.

Ahem. Tonight is the first of two final shows with Matt the Electrician at Café Mundi. That’s right, after next Thursday, we’ll move our pirate circus up to the new Flipnotics location at the Triangle (4600 Guadalupe).

We’ve been performing weekly (sometimes weakly) at Café Mundi for five years. I personally love their commitment to artist freedom, assembly, conversation, stimulants, and grade-A sandwiches. We’ve performed with legends, legumes, and leggings. The on-and-off Song Title Challenge resulted in many fine works and album cuts. We’ve been dive-bombed by kamikaze grackles, feasted upon by mosquitoes, and scrutinized by Macintosh feminists. I will miss all of it. Come on down tonight and/or next Thursday to celebrate and mourn with us. If it was a TV show, we’d show a highlight reel, but it’s LIVE, baby!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

One thing life has taught me: if you are interested, you never have to look for new interests. They come to you. When you are genuinely interested in one thing, it will always lead to something else.
Eleanor Roosevelt, inscribed on his tombstone

Online Museum of the Week
Banned License Plates of New York:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That little fancy dog sure can draw casually! Have you seen his latest…
Highlight here for answer: [poodle doodle]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, July 19th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://cafemundi.com

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.com
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Is This Interesting?
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:

My father gave me two pieces of advice along with whatever free stuff he didn’t want.

The first: “Don’t end up in a cubicle.”

He had a bit of Native American blood in his veins, and unless my dream of secret adoption reveals itself to be fact, I guess I do, too. That Native American bit told him that hour upon hour in a cramped little box is “just not natural.” Men should be out on the plains, rambling, hunting, breathing fresh air, and using that last scrap of buffalo bone for a toothpick.

Well, Big Chief Walksabout didn’t have a TV and a tempting recliner with a firm imprint of my dad’s butt, did he?

Just so you know, this area from which I write today…it’s not a cubicle, it’s a workspace! I’m certainly not going to defend or celebrate this lifestyle, but it’s the best choice for me right now, and the truth is, I don’t mind it all that much. Are you telling me that all those tan folks from Dances with Wolves wouldn’t be intrigued by constant air conditioning, internet access, coffee, and near-daily birthday cake?

I have been at this job for almost a year, and I’m almost embarrassed at how much I enjoy the lifestyle sometimes. I don’t have to think about money constantly, like I used to when I had none. I don’t have to come up with a reason to wake up in the morning, ‘cause stupid ol’ work and Mr. Alarm will nag me into simulated lucidity. I get to work on this Gazette every weekday morning. Trust me, it’s way more fun to be creative in the face of a non-creative environment. That’s what got me through high school and college, after all.

My father was right, in a way. One should not live in a box. Boxes limit. Boxes contain. Boxes suffocate. But a physical box only results in an emotional and mental box if you allow it to do so.

Put up one wall of self-pity. Another of doubt. Disappointment. Excuses. Pretty soon you’re surrounded. And as reported last week, antidepressants somehow became the most prescribed drug in America.

People at this workplace here, they don’t think of themselves as lazy. They use “lazy” to describe the sweaty folks with cardboard signs we see on our way home every day. Those people “can’t hold a job” or “keep it together.”

My question is this: Isn’t it just as lazy to be in a soul-sucking job and actually let it suck your soul? Isn’t it lazy to become a boring slob just because you happen to be surrounded by boring slobs? You’re telling me you can’t hold onto your imagination? In a pocket? In a purse?

The soul-sucking machine of the work-a-day world is just a worn-down dust buster. You practically have to jump into it head-first if you want it to take something from you.

There is no excuse for putting your mind in a box, even when your body is in a box. [That’s the great thing about cubicles: When you die, they just put a top on and bury you.]

What’s that? Right, my father’s second piece of advice! I almost forgot.

“Don’t listen to me.”
He never said it out loud exactly, but I heard him loud and clear.

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

‘Bene qui latuit, bene visit’
He who hid well, lived well.
Rene Descartes, inscribed on his tombstone

Online Museum of the Week
Banned License Plates of New York:

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

How dare you mock the ancient ruler of Rome, you, you…
Highlight here for answer: [Caesar teaser]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, July 19th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Cafe Mundi
1704 E. 5th St.
Austin, TX
512-236-8634
http://cafemundi.com

Thank you, come again!
southpawjones.com
southpawjones.com
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2007 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.