Southpaw Jones

It’s Friday, fair reader! Thanks for stopping by. Today, I’m giving everyone some homework for the weekend. I’ll provide a list of characters, and you’ll write a novel that includes them. It’ll be fun!

Jacques Myanmar – evil, cunning, sweats vegetable oil, hopes to save his soul by shaving his forearms regularly, hates clothing, disrobes instantly upon arriving at home, exhibits grace under pressure, exercises pressure when others are graceful.

Annie Clumb – preacher’s daughter, loves to work on cars but refuses to ride in them, flat-footed, obsessed with the return of the Cold War, a morning person, she has written and printed unbiased restaurant reviews since she was five, she is now thirty-two, her readership has peaked at two dozen.

Treylon Clipper – dashing fat man, acquitted following a lengthy trial in which the judge’s official statement read, “Not one single soul in town believes you to be capable or cool enough to steal this amount of cash,” thought to be utterly without talent until cricket was popularized in the U.S.

Ever Triangulated – 5-foot-tall bronze robot, performs menial and accounting tasks for the richest family in town, a notorious chatterbox, loves gossip, racist, programmed as male, dressed as a French maid last Halloween to the delight of all.

Flexi McGrath – daughter of the town’s eccentric inventor, carries bacon around in secret denim pockets, able to fly but only millimeters off the ground, claims to have visited biblical times via her father’s time machine, ate many olives, got sick, returned.

Happy writing! Come back Monday…

The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for.
Will Cuppy, How to Become Extinct

Again With the Comics




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Every individual fuzzy fruit, dang it!

Highlight here for answer: [each peach]



Thursday, October 4th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

I got no time to write this morning! I hate myself!

Austinites, join Bruce Hughes and me tonight at Flipnotics @ the Triangle!

Wanna know what happened 100 years ago according to the New York Times?

• HAVANA, Cuba, Sept. 26. — Three arrests were made to-day which Gov. Magoon thinks will nip the incipient revolution against the American Government in the bud.

• NO BEHRING STRAIT TUNNEL. J. Hamilton Lewis Says the Russian Government Won’t Permit One.

• PARIS, Sept. 26. — Nicholas Martin, agent of the White Star Line, who returned here to-day from Cherbourg, says that Miss P.K. Haskell, the stepdaughter of Harry W. Earne, was the only American seriously injured as a result of the accident yesterday to the White Star boat train

• BISHOP MAY BEAT PRESIDENT.; English Tennis Player Says Dr. Ingram’s Service Is Very Deadly.

• FACULTY DRANK IN DRY TOWN.; Oberlin Restaurant Keepers Are Fined for Selling Hard Cider.

Live on doubts; it becomes madness or stops entirely as soon as we pass from doubt to certainty.
Francois de La Rochefouca

Again With the Comics




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That slender bird used to deliver babies, but now it sells ham and bacon products door to door. Would you like to try any of the…

Highlight here for answer: [stork pork]



Thursday, September 27th, 2007
8:00 PM
Bruce Hughes & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

• How do cell phones get married?
By exchanging ring-tones.

• How do you shave a sasquatch?
In sections.

• What kind of activity is the Phil Spector Potato Eating Contest?
A spec-tater sport.

• I’ve got scissors and a coupon book.
Let me cut you a deal.

• This workplace is so boring a hole in my head.

• Why do conservatives like war?
The blood and guts, mostly.

• What did Jesus say to the riding lawn mower?
Do you have a mulching feature? Blessed be the mulch.

• Everyone’s a comedian at the Laundromat, but all their jokes are either spin, agitating, too clean, or too dry.

Lord, give me the heart of a child, and the awesome courage to live it out as an adult.
Catherine Doherty

Again With the Comics




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

You like to hunt, I understand that, but you must understand my likes and dislikes, too. I prefer seeking out fruit and berries and bringing them back to the cave. So I don’t mind if you go out with your spear, but I’d…

Highlight here for answer: [rather gather]

Thursday, September 27th, 2007
8:00 PM
Bruce Hughes & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Here’s a reposting of Cedar Fever’s first video, “U Gave Me the Clap,” in honor our nudity in Still Naked: 2008 Calendar!

Austinites, come grab your copy/copies and enjoy a FREE Cedar Fever performance TONIGHT at Hyde Park Theatre. The party starts at 7:30…we’ll go on around 9. Count on a cash bar with beer & wine, all the cool townies you can imagine, and calendars on sale for only $10. Support the Austin Children of Musicians, Artists and Writers Fund, decorate your wall(s), and have a great time doing it!

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.
Thomas Szasz

Again With the Comics




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That Clark Kent, he sure can fool you when he’s feeling mischievous. He really is a…

Highlight here for answer: [super duper]



Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
8:00 PM
NAKED Calendar Release Party
Hyde Park Theater
Austin, TX
Performing as part of C-Dar Fevar.

Thursday, September 27th, 2007
8:00 PM
Bruce Hughes & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

I’m a dragon.

Rawr.

Flap. Flap.

Them’s the sound of my wings.

I like meat. A lot.

One time, I scoped an orca out of the ocean. Ate it up. Raw. No one was around. I wasn’t showing off. Just hungry.

What do you do when you’re hungry? Buy a burger? How’s that working out for you? Still puny, I see.

Certain parts of a dragon are sensitive, you know. I’m telling you this because you obviously pose no threat to me. The base of the tail. The tip of the beak. Memories of adolescence.

Touch upon these things at your own risk, my friend. I don’t have to tell you, I’m sure. You’re a good guy. A nice, good guy who would rather not be instantly crispified.

So how are your finances set up, buddy? Doin’ alright in that department? You know, when I’m strapped for cash, I just attack a village. Pretty routine, really. I could pick up some loot for you next time, if you like. No skin off my back.

Hey, how does this cave smell to you? Pretty nice, right? Surprising, I know. I spent a butt-load on air fresheners in town last weekend. I don’t know, I guess I’ve been lonely. There aren’t that many kick-ass dragons around here. I’ve actually never seen another Montana Red my whole life. That’s what I am, a Montana Red. There are some Siberian Swallow-Munchers to the southeast of here, but my kind doesn’t get along with their kind. It’s weird, we can’t help it.

So, you know, I was thinking I could have some human visitors up here. Little folks like you who aren’t trying to make anything of themselves. Slackers. Commoners. People who can chill. People who know how to listen. People who never give a second’s thought to cutting my head off. These are people I can party with.

Just know that I can’t be held responsible for what happens if you get me into a laughing fit. Seriously. See that charred skeleton over there? That was a funniest dude I ever met! He could describe some of my favorite cartoons in a certain way that was funnier that actually watching the cartoons originally! How could I not emit magma and flame and acid uncontrollably?

Man, don’t be that funny. But be interesting and witty. You know, keep the conversation at like a solid, cracklin’ B-plus.

First topic…thrill-seeking versus meditation. Ready? Go.

In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.
Edith Wharton

Again With the Comics




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The hair that hangs across my forehead is impossible to manage. Tangles! Split ends! Sometimes I imagine there are rival factions of hair locked in urban combat above my eyebrows. Is there anyone who can broker peace between my…

Highlight here for answer: [bangs gangs]



Tuesday, September 25th, 2007
8:00 PM
NAKED Calendar Release Party
Hyde Park Theater
Austin, TX
Performing as part of C-Dar Fevar.

Thursday, September 27th, 2007
8:00 PM
Bruce Hughes & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!