• If you take local news seriously – and why the heck not? – sports should take up about 17% of your consciousness.

• Let’s assume that I judge people in a cheese-shredding contest. Let’s also assume that I’m very, very good at scoring contestants. I suppose that would make me a Great Grater Grade-ist. Who dares to disagree?

• Farts are still funny, and ever shall they be.

• I am a karate coach, and honestly, I get a kick out of you.

• When I used to drive long distances alone as a “touring” “musician,” I would often keep myself awake by slapping myself, pulling my hair, and tickling the roof of my mouth with my tongue.

• Growing up is simply the process of learning to function without crying half the time.

• I’ve got fiber in my diet, a fiver in my wallet, and a Fivel in my animated mouse-based immigration propaganda films.

• I come from a dysfunctional family. My Mother Earth is falling apart, and my Heavenly Father is abusive. Don’t get me started on Big Brother and Sister Christian.

Self-control means wanting to be effective at some random point in the infinite radiations of my spiritual existence.
Franz Kafka

Snow Pictures by Microscope




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I want a bike for two, but I don’t care about color or shape or style or accessories. Just give me any…

Highlight here for answer: [random tandem]



Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Zach Scott
Austin, TX

http://dickmonologues.com

Kicking off the show with “Women Yes Sir.”

Thursday, October 18th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

I recorded a little tune for my baby’s birthday. It made its world premiere for an audience of one over the weekend, so you can listen to it now.

It’s called “Usually,” and it’s about our adult relationship, you see. Were I in high school, I might have written a love song called “Always and Forever Saccharine,” but now I’m thirty years old, and I know that true love is more about “Usually.”

Thank god.

“Always” love makes me want to gag, which is why I’m a cat person, not a dog person.

I am definitely a Maggie person, and this song is for her. She likes it when I rap.

USUALLY

My baby’s fond of animals
My baby’s fond of me

Usually

I’ve got a little bit of time in between events
And she’s got a little bit of time in between events
It’s times like these we have the best times
Yes, it’s times like these we have the best times

Usually

She fills a great big room
With her itty-bitty body
A dancer, a hotty
But modern, not naughty
She drinks iced toddy
On her cruise ta Houston
The town we used ta roost in
I lose my blues by booze in

But she’s a Wilhite
Keeps her ass tight
And her teeth white
And if I act right
She’ll stay the night…

Usually

She don’t like whiskey
She likes iced tea with Grey Goose
She don’t like whiskey
She’ll take a dirty martini or two

You say it’s your birthday
If you’ll allow me to opine
I hope that it’s happy
I think you’ll enjoy 29

And many more…

If there is any country on earth where the course of true love may be expected to run smooth, it is America.
Harriet Martineau

Snow Pictures by Microscope




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’m so embarrassed! I just gave a rousing speech to a crowd of 50,000 people, but my supporters were actually gathered down the street a ways. I accidentally addressed the…

Highlight here for answer: [wrong throng]



Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
7:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Zach Scott
Austin, TX

http://dickmonologues.com

Kicking off the show with “Women Yes Sir.”

Thursday, October 18th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

It’s Friday, and I’m glad to take it easy this morning.

I recorded Mr. Dylan‘s Girl from the North Country last year for Maggie‘s birthday, and I’d like to share it again today. It sounds like autumn!

Girl from the North Country

Well, if you’re travelin’ in the north country fair,
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline,
Remember me to one who lives there.
She once was a true love of mine.

Well, if you go when the snowflakes storm,
When the rivers freeze and summer ends,
Please see if she’s wearing a coat so warm,
To keep her from the howlin’ winds.

Please see for me if her hair hangs long,
If it rolls and flows all down her breast.
Please see for me if her hair hangs long,
That’s the way I remember her best.

I’m a-wonderin’ if she remembers me at all.
Many times I’ve often prayed
In the darkness of my night,
In the brightness of my day.

So if you’re travelin’ in the north country fair,
Where the winds hit heavy on the borderline,
Remember me to one who lives there.
She once was a true love of mine.

Autumn wins you best by this, its mute appeal to sympathy for its decay.
Robert Browning Hamilton

suicide food: animals that desire to be eaten. sickening.




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

She always surprises us with those white Egyptian lilies. It’s nice, but I like to have a vase prepared, you know. If only she’d give us a little…

Highlight here for answer: [lotus notice]



Thursday, October 18th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!

Sweet Maggie is catching up with me, folks. She’s only 1.5 years behind me and gaining. In honor of her birthday, I hereby post the lyrics to “our” song.

But first, a little self-promotion: Austinites, come on down to my SOLO performance at Flipnotics @ the Triangle tonight! 8 pm. I’m giving away a desk lamp!

And now, for my darlin’:

Would you dance if asked you to dance
Would you run and never look back
Would you cry if you saw me crying
Would you save my soul tonight

Would you tremble if I touched your lips
Would you laugh oh please tell me this
Now would you die for the one you love
Hold me in your arms tonight

I can be your hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

Ohhh I just wanna hold you, I just
wanna hold you, oh yeah
My angel be have I lost my mind
I don’t care your here tonight

I can be your hero.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
Robert Frost

suicide food: animals that desire to be eaten. sickening.




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

He likes to knock a few pins down, but he can’t do it inside, see? He says he needs the sunlight to score all them strikes and spares. We call him the…

Highlight here for answer: [solar bowler]



Thursday, October 11th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!