Southpaw Jones

And thank God for each and every one of them!

Pro-Machismo

“What do you mean you don’t want to drive? You realize you’re the man here, right?”

“When are you going to ask for that raise? Be aggressive!”

“Aren’t you gonna open the door, dumbass?”

“Could you growl more during sex?”

“Keep your feelings inside for once, Chatty Cathy.”

Anti-Machismo

“What do you mean you want to drive me around? Are you a cave man or something? Where’s your club, caveman?”

“You just had to ask for that raise, didn’t you? Now your boss is annoyed. Nice work, Sgt. Aggressor.”

“Does it make you feel like Hercules to pry open that massive door for me, sir?”

“We never argue anymore. You’re just holding all those feelings in, aren’t you? Are you a big, hairy, manly bomb, baby? Tick-tock! Tick-tock!”

Two-Dimensionalization

“I want to go to a new club tonight, but you’ll be in bed by 9 as usual.”

“I want to go to a yard sale Saturday morning, but I’m sure you’ll sleep until noon as usual.”

“What are you eating? McDonalds or some shit, I’m sure.”

“What are you eating? You don’t like tomatoes, remember?”

“Since when did you become interested in astronomy?”

“Since when did you become interesting?”

Multi-Dimensionalization

“I just can’t figure you out.”

“You’re all over the map.”

“Are you the same man I was talking to five minutes ago?”

“Freak.”

“You need to focus, space case.”

False Resignation

“That’s ok. I’ll get my great-grandfather to put that shelf together when he’s in town.”

“Don’t worry about it. I don’t like sushi that much anyway.”

“I don’t expect you to dance like Justin, babe. Just do what you can.”

“Sally’s boyfriend took her to Rome, but San Antonio is just as good, I think.”

“Honestly, I never really liked muscles on guys.”

Writer/Director/Casting Agent/Costume Designer

“Don’t you have something to say to me right now?”

“What you just said was not convincing in the least. Try it again.”

“You should probably surprise me with flowers at 7:15 tonight.”

“You would make a great dad.”

“Try on this powder blue sweater and cute pink pants!”

For 15 years, I’ve been playing the same character – which is myself – and I’m bored with ‘myself’.
Elle Macpherson

Money-gami!




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Did you bring me back some thick, fatty oil from the Balkan Peninsula? Remember? I specifically asked for some…

Highlight here for answer: [Greece grease]

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007
2:00 PM
Mexican Flood Benefit
Threadgill’s, South Austin
301 West Riverside Drive
Austin, TX
(512) 472-9304

threadgills.com

Featuring The Harold Ambler Project and many others, including Spike Gillespie as emcee. Silent art auction. Southpaw kicks off the show at 2 pm.

Thursday, December 6th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com

Austinites, come on out to Flipnotics @ the Triangle tonight at 8 pm as Southpaw Jones pays tribute to Southpaw Jones!

In other news, out of all the late night personalities on TV, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, etc., the first to defy the writer’s strike is – wouldn’t you know it – Carson Daly! The company man without a plan! The blank-faced screw without a clue! The clean cut goob on the boob tube! The exemplar of all that is bland and flat about mainstream American entertainment.

I didn’t think he could do anything to generate more hatred. I’m actually quite impressed. He could be the greatest heel in pro-wresting if he wanted to be.

I don’t know much about the strike, but I do believe that writers should earn some kind of money EVERY SINGLE TIME some chiseled star utters their words for an audience. I think that’s a pretty simple concept.

I guess Carson Daly doesn’t agree with that, so he’s returning to the air next Monday. He’s looking for friends and family to submit jokes because he doesn’t have a staff of writers. You can see an e-mail to that effect at thesmokinggun.com.

I thought I’d do him a solid and compose his entire monologue for Monday night. Here goes:

Good night, everyone, it’s good to be back. Hello to my two dozen tween viewers with TVs in their bedrooms! I’m on the air tonight in the face of a well-publicized writer’s strike, so bear with me, while I work without much of a staff.

I wanted to come out and tell some jokes, but you’re looking at the biggest joke in town, so I’ll just stand here a few seconds.

[Pause for laughter.]

No, seriously, I would join the picket lines, but I’m afraid passersby would think a Home Depot had exploded if they saw a massive tool on the sidewalk.

[Pause for laughter.]

No, really, I would protest the big greedy companies, but people might think it was a petting zoo if they saw a jackass out there.

[Pause for laughter.]

Protesters might throw me through a window, since I have the personality of a brick.

[Pause for laughter.]

Honestly, police would get calls like this: “Um, I think Lorena Bobbitt is at it again, ‘cause there’s a dick on the side of the road!”

[Pause for laughter.]

“Officer, there’s a piece of garbage outside holding a sign! Is there some sort of radiation leak in the area that causes inanimate objects to unnaturally come to life?”

[Pause for laughter.]

Forgive me if I seem a little sore, I’ve been towing the company line all day long.

[Pause for laughter.]

You may notice my eyes bulging, because I’m an inflated sack of mediocrity.

[Pause for awkward silence.]

Has anyone seen my dignity?

Alright, we’ve got a great show tonight. Some utterly acceptable jerk is here to talk about an action movie, and a palatable Barbie doll will sing a song. Thanks to all my viewers in Kansas for your continued support.

I’m Carson Daly, and I’m a massive tool.
Jimmy Fallon, as Carson Daly

Money-gami!




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That dried wound has a loose bit on one end. Do you think I will bleed more if I just pull that…

Highlight here for answer: [scab tab]

Thursday, November 29th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com

After the show…
Groundwork Music Project Benefit
Scoot Inn
1308 E. 4th Street @ Navasota
Austin, TX 78702

eastinns.com

An Influences Hoot Night featuring The Ginn Sisters, Chris Brecht and the Broken 45s, Cat Scientist, Graham Webber, The People vs De La Rosa, Ricky Stein and Friends, Synoptic Fusion, Abi Tapia, LeatherBag & Co., Slowtrain, Gary Graves, and Clifford. I’ll go on with Matt the Electrician around midnight.

After
Being
Cornered
During
Evening
Festivities,
George
Harrison
Initiated
Joke-
Killing
Lamentations.
Mostly
Nauseous
Or
Perplexed,
Queasy
Revelers
Sought
To
Undo
Vexations,
While
Xenophobes
Yelped
Zealously.

God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.
James M. Barrie

Money-gami!




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’m working on my kitchen, and I know you guys have an entire retail row devoted to those little flooring squares. So where’s your…

Highlight here for answer: [tile aisle]

Thursday, November 29th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com

After the show…
Groundwork Music Project Benefit
Scoot Inn
1308 E. 4th Street @ Navasota
Austin, TX 78702

eastinns.com

An Influences Hoot Night featuring The Ginn Sisters, Chris Brecht and the Broken 45s, Cat Scientist, Graham Webber, The People vs De La Rosa, Ricky Stein and Friends, Synoptic Fusion, Abi Tapia, LeatherBag & Co., Slowtrain, Gary Graves, and Clifford. I’ll go on with Matt the Electrician after midnight.

I have two clicks in my life.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

One is at home.

One is at work.

At home, my air conditioner produces an irregular tapping sound.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

Only when the heat is on.

Drives me crazy with a capitol K.

Kept me up all night last night.

I can’t isolate it.

It’s deep in there somewhere.

Probably an expanding coil or something.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

At work, I believe the offending appliance is an EXIT sign.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

More rhythmic, this one.

Horribly consistent and quick.

Tell me, does the world serve any purpose beyond the regular and blatant annoyance of me?

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

Even when I’m lucky enough to score five minutes alone, the invisible machines want to have a little chat.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

“We are the next generation!”

If I could just have silence AND heat AND well-lit exit signs, maybe then I’d have a shot at sanity.

What upon some metal is rapping???

Edgar Allan Poe would have a field day.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

That’s the nature of women, not to love when we love them, and to love when we love them not.
Miguel de Cervantes

Money-gami!




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

It’s really quite annoying the way you’re constantly showing off your muscles. We get it! You’re strong! Please stop that…

Highlight here for answer: [vexing flexing]

Thursday, November 29th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com

After the show…
Groundwork Music Project Benefit
Scoot Inn
1308 E. 4th Street @ Navasota
Austin, TX 78702

eastinns.com

An Influences Hoot Night featuring The Ginn Sisters, Chris Brecht and the Broken 45s, Cat Scientist, Graham Webber, The People vs De La Rosa, Ricky Stein and Friends, Synoptic Fusion, Abi Tapia, LeatherBag & Co., Slowtrain, Gary Graves, and Clifford. I’ll go on with Matt the Electrician around midnight.

I’m back! Happy Monday to you. I took a week off from work, the site, and performing to rest, reflect, and give thanks. I feel rested, reflected, and thanks-drained.

I spent time in Houston and Austin, visiting with friends, family, and my dang self. I did not shop very much at all, but I did see three whole movies on the big screen. Did you know that’s really fun to do?

I ended up seeing three very different films with perfectly corresponding companions. Here are my Southpaw Jones Brand Five-Point Reviews for each:

No Country For Old Men (with dude friends)

1. Tommy Lee Jones is Texas personified.

2. There’s no music! But it works.

3. It’s a bit long, with a meandering plot. In other words, a lot like life.

4. The scary guy is very scary.

5. I think it makes a solid point that the world is and ever has been a bit insane. Every tired, old man thinks he is the first to notice it. Things have never been worse than they are always. Something like that. Go see it. Coens rule.

August Rush (with my mother)

1. This film is highly and unabashedly manipulative.

2. It’s about the power of music and the interconnectedness of all things. Not a bad theme, brotha!

3. Keri Russell is pretty. Robin Williams is pretty annoying.

4. The kid in the film is a musical prodigy, but all the music he creates sounds like typical, emotional movie music. Julliard would not really be that impressed, would they?

5. The film is produced by a company called Southpaw Entertainment. Yay!

I’m Not There (with my girlfriend)

1. This is the ultimate film for Bob Dylan fans.

2. Who is this guy? Who was that guy? What is identity? What do you mean by “people”?

3. Cate Blanchett steals the show and has fun doing it.

4. It’s a little long and indulgent, but so are many Dylan songs.

5. When a character elicits awe, pity, envy, anger, and worship, well, you know you’re watching a good flick.

In our sleep, pain which cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart
until, in our own despair, against our will,
comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.
Robert F. Kennedy, slightly misquoting Aeschylus, upon the assasination of Martin Luther King, April 4, 1968.

Money-gami!




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Your voice sounds all rough and hissy like an Egyptian cobra. What’s up with your…

Highlight here for answer: [asp rasp]

Thursday, November 29th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com

After the show…
Groundwork Music Project Benefit
Scoot Inn
1308 E. 4th Street @ Navasota
Austin, TX 78702

eastinns.com

An Influences Hoot Night featuring The Ginn Sisters, Chris Brecht and the Broken 45s, Cat Scientist, Graham Webber, The People vs De La Rosa, Ricky Stein and Friends, Synoptic Fusion, Abi Tapia, LeatherBag & Co., Slowtrain, Gary Graves, and Clifford. I’ll go on with Matt the Electrician around midnight.