Southpaw Jones

William F. Buckley is dead
Why not Sean Hannity instead?
Limbuagh’s a tumor
But Buckley had humor
All conservatives should be so well-read

A survey on religion revealed
That Americans wander the field
They try out new faith
Like, I’m on my eighth
This isn’t how Granddaddy kneeled

Obama wearing Somali?
He looks like a homemade tamale
Would the pic stir up fear?
No, it made him more dear!
Did Clinton’s staff cook up this folly?

There once was a village Kivalina
It’s in Alaska, dude, not Argentina
They’re suing they guys
That make oceans rise
‘Cause their town may soon be a marina

That’s this week in limerick, friends! Thanks for stopping by! Come back Monday!

as reported in The New York Times

February 29, 1908
TRIES TO KILL A PRESIDENT.
Bomb Falls to Explode When Thrown at Argentine Executive.
BUENOS AYRES — Dr. J. Figueroa Alcorta, President of the republic, early this evening was the object of an abortive attempt at assassination at the hands of a native of Argentina. He hurled a crude bomb as the President alighted from his carriage in front of his residence. The missile did not explode.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

This particular piece, in ¾ time, is quite good, but this critic cannot ignore its imperfections. Please allow me to list some of these…

Highlight here for answer: [waltz faults]


Hilarious Science Fair Experiments

It is happening, but ever so gradually. Two of every five Americans, according to a 2003 Zogby poll cited by Dr. Nadelmann, believe “the government should treat marijuana more or less the same way it treats alcohol: It should regulate it, control it, tax it, and make it illegal only for children”. The Dutch do odd things, but here they teach us a lesson.
‘William F. Buckley, Jr.

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com

Tonight is the night for Flipnotics @ the Triangle, where Matt the Electrician and I will acoustically rock the stage at 8 pm. The song title of the week is Fit Medicine, and man, are my wings tired!

And now, southpawjones.com presents Sounds from the Receiving End of New Employee Training:

• Nice to meet you.

• Sure, sure, sure.

• Uh-huh.

• I think I’ll figure it out.

• Right.

• When do you guys take lunch?

• Got it.

• I see.

• No, I get that, it’s just…

• (random movie quote followed by nervous laughter)

• So this is it? All day long?

as reported in The New York Times

February 28, 1908
EDISON OPERATED ON, CONDITION CRITICAL
Grave Fears Felt for the Great Inventor After a Second Operation for Mastoiditis.
HIS OLD WOUND INFECTED Family at His Bedside In Eye and Ear Hospital — Recovery “Probable,” Official Bulletin Says.
Thomas A. Edison, the electrician and inventor, underwent a second operation yesterday in the Manhattan Eye, Ear, and Throat Hospital, 210 East Sixty-fourth Street, for mastoiditis. At an early hour this morning it was said that the inventor’s condition was exceedingly grave. It was said to be quite possible that he might not live out the night.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’m a rookie on the force, so I don’t get the exciting jobs. My current task is to hunt down and arrest young men and women who run through public places in the nude. That’s right, your tax dollars are paying for me to be a…

Highlight here for answer: [streaker seeker]


Hilarious Science Fair Experiments

I will not cede more power to the state. I will not willingly cede more power to anyone, not to the state, not to General Motors, not to the CIO. I will hoard my power like a miser, resisting every effort to drain it away from me. I will then use my power, as I see fit. I mean to live my life an obedient man, but obedient to God, subservient to the wisdom of my ancestors; never to the authority of political truths arrived at yesterday at the voting booth. That is a program of sorts, is it not? It is certainly program enough to keep conservatives busy, and liberals at bay. And the nation free.
William F. Buckley, Jr. 1925-2008

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com

What does FAQ mean?
Frequently Asked Questions.

Are you my mother?
No.

Are you gay?
Send me a picture and I’ll let you know.

Why do you do this blog every weekday?
I’m not sure. It simultaneously builds and destroys my self-esteem like a good woman.

Have you ever glommed onto anything?
Yes, harmonicas and boobs.

Have you ever gleaned anything from anywhere?
I’ve gleaned the basic meta-narrative of the TV show Friends just by watching 30 seconds of each episode.

Can you gleek at will?
Unfortunately, no.

Do people really ask you these questions?
Yes.

Frequently?
No.

as reported in The New York Times

February 27, 1908
$12,000 NECKLACE LOST.
PALM BEACH, Fla. — A $12,000 pearl and diamond necklace was reported to have been lost this afternoon in Poinciana Garden, and a $500 reward was this evening offered for its return to “Frank of New York.”

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I meant do discuss physical and emotional stress in my speech, but I ran out of time! Did the words “tautness” or “strain” even come out of my mouth? Did I even…

Highlight here for answer: [mention tension]


Hilarious Science Fair Experiments

Then as we linger at luncheon here
O’er many a dainty dish,
Let us drink anew to the time when you
Were a tadpole and I was a fish.
Langdon Smith

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com

Watch out! There are differences between the words jive, jibe, and jab. “Jibe” has the strange quality of meaning both “compatible, similar or consistent” AND “an aggressive, derisive remark.” So “jibe” doesn’t jibe with itself! It also means something to sailors, but so does a red sky, so go figure. I always thought an aggressive, derisive remark was a “jab,” but I’m learning this morning that jabs can only be physical. Forgive me, language gods, for the times I’ve used “jab” when I should have used “jibe.” Of course, “jive” can refer to many things, including dance, jazz/swing music, or deceptive/meaningless chatter. I shall now form a sentence using all three: I jabbed the guy because his threw in a jibe at the end of his jive which did not jibe with my jive. Jab!

I think I’m going to shave my head tonight. Clippers shave, not razor shave. I always feel better about myself after a good old-fashioned scalp-clearing. Maybe it’s because someone in junior high told me that one’s hair is the dirtiest part of one’s body. Dirtier than the butt! If you think about head hair as a remnant of our animal ancestry, then it’s bound to eventually go the way of the tail, right? I suppose that means balding men are evolving faster than the rest of us, and yet, we mock them as fish mocked their first legged relative and jocks mocked Bill Gates in high school.

I often wonder what percentage of people I absolutely, fundamentally can’t stand. Lately, I’ve settled on a guess of 75%. That’s pretty good, I think. Pretty low. I don’t believe that I’m any more intolerant than the average person. I just know that if I were stranded on an island with a stranger, I’d have about a 1 out of 4 chance of how-do-you-say, not wanting to kill myself. And I think it says something wonderful about me that, were I stuck with a miserable sap of a wanker, I’d kill myself before I’d kill them. Sometimes you have to pat yourself on the back and declare yourself a decent person. I should add that I am positive, fair reader, that you are among the bearable fourth. Am I?

as reported in The New York Times

February 26, 1908
SILENT FIREARM PATENTED.
Son of Sir Hiram Maxim Invents Device to Make Discharge Noiseless.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Listen, doc, his temperature is well above normal, and he’s developing webbed feet! He’s expressed interest in building dams and he said he could really enjoy “taking a bite out of pine.” You gotta come down here quick, because I think he’s got that…

Highlight here for answer: [beaver fever]


Hilarious Science Fair Experiments

At 30 a man should know himself like the palm of his hand, know the exact number of his defects and qualities, know how far he can go, foretell his failures – be what he is. And, above all, accept these things.
Albert Camus

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com

There are times I wake up in the morning with absolutely no clue what I’m going to include on this site. Not this morning, though. No sirree. I’ve got a ton of facts and opinions that I simply must share, or I’ll turn inside out and flail about.

I realize it will be a long while before July 4 and an even longer while before New Year’s Eve, but it’s never too early to start preparing. Here are six questions for the cashier at the fireworks stand, all containing the word “explode”:

• Are these guaranteed to explode?

• Can I explode these here?

• How far away should I be when I explode these?

• Which of these do you think will explode prettier for the ladies?

• I’m about to explode with excitement; do you think that’s normal?

• Is explode the same thing as former plode or retired plode? I ask because my granddad was a plode.

Thank you. You’re too kind. It’s Monday.

as reported in The New York Times

February 25, 1908
WEDDINGS TOO SHOWY.
Respect Due the Church Lacking, Says Pittsburg Pastor.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I want you to promise this very moment. Swear before another second passes. Give me your solemn…

Highlight here for answer: [vow now]


Hilarious Science Fair Experiments

When a nation’s young men are conservative, its funeral bell is already rung.
Henry Ward Beecher

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com