I come to you today humbly asking for your vote. I believe in America. It’s a great location. I like the shape of it. The great protruding fingers of Florida and Maine. The big liberal butt called California. That super-straight manmade line along the top in the west. Michigan’s hand in the water saying, “Stop! Don’t swim here in the wintertime.” The big genitals of Texas, a place to which refried beans from across the entire country eventually slide down for processing. There are a lot of states in the middle, too, and I intend to learn their names during my first week in office.

I truly and fully intend to restore honor and dignity to the White House. You will not find me grinding atop a minivan outside Hooters. You will not see me pulling pennies out of the gutter with my bare hands but rather a latex glove or perhaps one of those grabbing sticks that short people use to reach unpopular cereals. Our money is sacred, fair citizens, even the lowly Lincoln roller. You will not catch me on camera eating more than three glazed donuts in one sitting. I will not punch below the belt, unless the FBI brings me a line of sex offenders for some left-handed “sentencing.”

That’s right, I’ll be tough on crime. I’ll also be tough on grime. Folks in Washington say that the White House’s façade has dilapidated to the point that you would think it was the Seashell House if you didn’t know better. I intend to sandblast that mother grabber until it shines like my running mate Tom Cruise’s teeth.

What else? Nationwide Casual Fridays. Mistletoe in effect year-round. “Top o’ the mornin’” mandatory at the workplace. Development of Omega-4 and possibly Omega-5 fatty acids. A return to manufacturing, starting with pencil-top troll dolls and 14.4 bps external modems. One free R2-D2 unit for every household. And a few surprises I’m saving for my inauguration speech, which will be loud with really cool echo effects on my voice.

I would also like to add that I’m performing tonight in Austin and Saturday in Dallas. Both shows with Matt the Electrician. Both on par with the greatest in history. Details rest below!

Do it to it, citizens! Pull the lever for me, and I’ll nuke your fears.

Y’all’s,
Southpaw

as reported in The New York Times

February 21, 1908
28 DEAD IN DYNAMITE BLAST.
Ten Tons Exploded, Killing 4 White Men and 24 Chinamen.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Is there an expiration date on this aluminum wrapping? I guess what I’m asking is this: Does…

Highlight here for answer: [foil spoil]


Eyescapes

A severe though not unfriendly critic of our institutions said that the cure for admiring the House of Lords was to go and look at it.
Walter Bagehot

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8 pm
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2008
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Opening Bell Coffee
1409 S. Lamar Suite #012
DALLAS, TX
75215
214.565.0383

http://openingbellcoffee.com/

I just don’t know what to do with you anymore, son. I don’t know what you’re thinking, and I don’t know why you can’t stay out of trouble.
Is it your new group of friends?
No?
Is it that girlfriend of yours?
No?
Is it your girlfriend’s new group of friends?
No?
Is it your completely legal and socially acceptable prescription medication?
No?
Is it the illegal drugs from my closet that you stole and put in your closet?
No?
Is it terrorism?
No?
Catholicism?
No?
The English language?
No?
The sense that you’re the punch line of some cosmic joke?
No?
Jeans too tight?
No?
Backpack to heavy?
No?
Bad shrimp?
No?
Ungrateful?
No?
The birds and the bees?
No?
The Fox and the Hound? I know they make noise near your window all night.
No?
Alien abduction?
No?
Alien rejection?
No?
The Heat of the Night?
No?
Growing Pains?
No?
Full House?
No?
Family Matters?
No?
Family Ties?
No?
The Facts of Life?
No?
Mr. Belvedere? Did he touch you?
No?
Well, I’m out of ideas. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be at the pub.

as reported in The New York Times

February 19, 1908
DROVE TACK IN BOY’S TONGUE.
Woman Teacher Sought Confession of Lying from Pupil — Fined $10.
CANAL DOVER, Ohio — Accused of driving a tack through the tongue of ten-year-old Simpson Fowler, a pupil in the school of the Tuscarawas County Children’s Home, Miss Clara Sterling to-night entered a plea of guilty, and was fined $10 and costs by Mayor Dedenbacher.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

The very last LP record in history comes out today. I guess I can throw away my turntable and needle, because that’s the…

Highlight here for answer: [final vinyl]


Eyescapes

As long as our government is administered for the good of the people, and is regulated by their will; as long as it secures to us the rights of persons and of property, liberty of conscience, and of the press, it will be worth defending.
Andrew Jackson

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8 pm
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2008
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Opening Bell Coffee
1409 S. Lamar Suite #012
DALLAS, TX
75215
214.565.0383

http://openingbellcoffee.com/

Go hug a president. I shall return tomorrow.