I’m off caffeine this morning in an attempt to reduce some tension and test my resolve.

I don’t like being chemically dependent on something, and it’s definitely time to take a break from coffee and green tea for a while.

Of course, I’m very crabby and drained on Day One.

Stupid, too.

Is it rude to tell someone that your thoughts are more interesting than their thoughts?

I certainly have never had the courage to say that to anyone, in a queue, at work, on a plane, or anywhere else. But it would save so much time and energy if I could just admit it.

“I’m in the middle of a really cool daydream right now, and as much as I’d love to listen to you, I’d rather focus on this.”

It’s not that I find my thoughts to be more interesting in some universal or objective way. 90% of them are not worth sharing at all. But I’m a little in love with my own brain, and I like to get inside there and root around.

I live inside my own head, and as a true introvert, I find strength inside, not outside myself. A lot of people don’t understand this, and I’m sure I come off as a snob or a simpleton in many situations.

Then again, coming off as a snob or a simpleton has the effect of turning people off, which in turn, leaves me to think my thinky thunks. So it tends to work itself out.

Perhaps I can best explain myself using Star Wars, the language of my generation. My favorite scene in Star Wars, um, “Episode Four”, is not the crazy cantina or the lightsaber duel or the death of the 1st edition Death Star. It’s young Luke Skywalker, looking up at the two moons (or two suns?) of Tatooine, his boring ol’ desert planet. You see him staring, you hear the swelling John Williams score, and you know that boy is doing some hardcore daydreaming. That’s the moment, even as a kid, when I thought, “Wow, I can relate to this guy. Let’s see where this goes.”

We could all use a little more daydreaming. I apologize to you, fair reader, if I’ve ever given you the cold shoulder or ended a conversation after three words. Just know that I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just trying to figure out a way off this planet.

as reported in The New York Times

March 31, 1908
ROOSEVELTS SEE SUGAR MADE
NEW ORLEANS, La. — Mrs. Roosevelt and her children to-day disembarked from the yacht Mayflower, in which they are making a trip down the Mississippi, and spent several hours inspecting the sugar plantation owned by Henry McCall, Collector of Customs of New Orleans.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

If someone is trying to take your wallet on the street, you can try running away or self-defense, but I prefer giving the criminal a swift, warm embrace. I know it sounds crazy, but you might just save your life and make a new friend if you just try being a…

Highlight here for answer: [mugger hugger]


When Geeks Have Children

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SAUTRDAY, APRIL 19
8:00 PM
Opening for Will Kimbrough
Bend Studio
5014 McKinney Ave. 75205
DALLAS, TX
214.841.9642

http://bendstudio.com

$20, Doors at 7 pm.

Texans! Having seen Willie Nelson live twelve days ago, I’m still basking in the glow of state-riotism. Let’s take a moment of silence to recognize how lucky we are to live in the greatest state and soon-to-be independent country on the face of the earth.

-pause-

Ok, now touch your nose with your eyes closed. Now give your monitor or blackberry or iphone a kiss. Now let’s talk about me. I’m performing in Ft. Worth and Austin this weekend. (Dallas friends, I’ll see you on Saturday, April 19 when I open for Will Kimbrough at Bend Studio. Mark your calendar!)

Friday night, Matt the Electrician and I are playing a new place in Ft. Worth called The Fairmount. It’s been too long since we’ve ventured west of Dallas. I hope some folks remember how good we are and/or forgot how disagreeable we can be during a parking dispute in an alleyway. Thanks for not pressing charges, y’all!

FRIDAY, MARCH 28
10:00 PM
The Fairmount
600 W. Magnolia Ave. 76104
FORT WORTH, TX
817.420.9455
http://thefairmountlive. com

Sunday afternoon, The Dick Monologues returns to the Hyde Park Theater in Austin. This show features a wonderful ensemble cast of gals and a couple of guys turning biological, social, sexual, and political dicks into art. Tickets are $10, and you can reserve some by e-mail Spike Gillespie at spike@spikeg.com.

SUNDAY, MARCH 30
2:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
http://dickmonologues. com

SUNDAY, MARCH 30
2:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX
http://dickmonologues. com

That’s the news! Come on back Monday…

as reported in The New York Times

March 28, 1908
WILDCAT IN A FREIGHT CAR.
Now It’s Loose Near South Amboy and the Natives Go Armed.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’ve got scents of all kinds here, and I need some strong blokes to get them in my truck. Is anyone out there interested in making a little money as an…

Highlight here for answer: [odor loader]


Modern Products in a Vintage Light

If people did not sometimes do silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MARCH 28, 2008
10:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
The Fairmount
600 W. Magnolia Ave. 76104
FORT WORTH, TX
817.420.9455

http://thefairmountlive.com

________________________________________________________________

SUNDAY, MARCH 30, 2008
2:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX

http://dickmonologues.com

Hey, I’ve had over 1,000 visitors the last two days! Thanks for stopping by.

Perhaps this is a good time to use this site for selfish, real-life purposes. Here’s the thing: I need a job. Oh, it feels good to type that out. I mean, I have a job, and it takes good care of me, but it doesn’t require or encourage anything that makes me, well, human. They just haven’t built robots or computer programs for the tasks I perform daily. Plus, I’m in the world of finance, and folks tend to get real tense about money. I’m moving up in my department, which is normally a good thing, but it will require frequent conversations with people who are missing money or confused and rather peeved about it.

Personally, I hate thinking about money. I just want a decent amount of it, so I can budget it, spend it, save it, and most importantly ignore it. Let’s say over $35,000.

“Ok, a full-time job over $35k with benefits in Austin, Texas. What else, Southpaw? This is your site, so dream big!”

You’re right, fair reader! Um, I want work that requires and rewards my creativity, work that generally allows me to keep to myself and set my own pace. Perhaps I can even work from home. Dare I dream it in 2008 AD?

I have a résumé, the highlights of which I will hereby list:

• BA in Communication, Dean’s List, Magna Cum Laude, Alpha Chi, Senior Senator, Entertainment Editor, Writing Tutor, blah, blah, blah
• Founded a radio station on a small college campus
• Co-wrote a successful test-preparation book with one Spike Gillsepie
• 13 years experience building a brand that shares its name with me
• That’s 13 years of self-driven publishing, editing, marketing, mailing list maintenance, touring, publicity, etc.
• Spearheading the release of six independent CDs
• Single-handed design and maintenance of two web sites
• 2 years experience in financial aid
• 2 years experience in commissions and compensation
• 2 years experience in internet research
• 1 year experience substitute education
• Knowledge of lots and lots of programs, Mac and PC alike

Is anyone out there looking for a dude with this combination of skills and experience? I hope so. If you know some hiring folks, pass it on! My e-mail address is southpaw@southpawjones.com, and I have a more professional name at the office, I promise.

as reported in The New York Times

March 26, 1908
BIM THE BUTTON MAN FOUND DEAD IN BED.
Meyer R. Bimberg, who was known all over the United States as “Bim, the Button Man,” and as an expert builder of theatres, was found dead in bed yesterday afternoon in his apartments in the Zenobia, 217 West 110th Street. Mr. Bimberg had been ill since Saturday, when he was stricken with tonsilitis.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Abel’s brother sure is hurting since he left the Garden. His knees, his back, and his shoulders are all achy. Trouble is, there ain’t no modern medicine to cure ol’…

Highlight here for answer: [Cain’s pains]


Modern Products in a Vintage Light

Cannon-balls may aid the truth
But thought’s a weapon stronger;
We’ll win our battles by its aid,
Wait a little longer.
Charles Mackay

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MARCH 28, 2008
10:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
The Fairmount
600 W. Magnolia Ave. 76104
FORT WORTH, TX
817.420.9455

http://thefairmountlive.com

________________________________________________________________

SUNDAY, MARCH 30, 2008
2:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX

http://dickmonologues.com

Assumption: You hate everyone and you wish your office would explode with you in it.
Truth: You didn’t have any milk in your fridge this morning.

Assumption: You mourn the loss of the woman you loved when you were twenty-two.
Truth: You miss being able to love like a twenty-two-year-old.

Assumption: You always have to have “something going on.”
Truth: You fear the voices in your head.

Assumption: Your partner isn’t doing enough for the relationship.
Truth: You aren’t doing enough for your relationship.

Assumption: You want a lot of money and a big house.
Truth: You want peace, quiet, and warmth, which is often free.

as reported in The New York Times

March 25, 1908
CIGARETTES HARM SOLDIERS.
British Commanders Disquieted by Growth of the Smoking Habit.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I love the way you’ve decorated this bowl of ground beef, peppers, and beans with decorative ruffles and lace. I’ve never seen such a…

Highlight here for answer: [frilly chili]


Modern Products in a Vintage Light

Justice is the only worship.
Love is the only priest.
Ignorance is the only slavery.
Happiness is the only good.
The time to be happy is now,
The place to be happy is here,
The way to be happy is to make others so.
Wisdom is the science of happiness.
Robert G. Ingersoll

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, MARCH 28, 2008
10:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
The Fairmount
600 W. Magnolia Ave. 76104
FORT WORTH, TX
817.420.9455

http://thefairmountlive.com

________________________________________________________________

SUNDAY, MARCH 30, 2008
2:00 PM
Spike Gillespie’s Dick Monologues
Hyde Park Theater
AUSTIN, TX

http://dickmonologues.com