The English language is fairly kind to the singer-songwriter.

Not as kind as Spanish, but pretty good.

Pretty, pretty good.

Take “you,” for instance.

“You” is a godsend for the rhyming romantic.

It rhymes with blue, I understand what you’re goin’ through, wanderin’ shoe, knew, this much is true, together we grew, flew, where we flew to, and of course, leggy like a kangaroo.

“Mine” is also a goldmine.

It rhymes with lookin’ fine, this evening we dine, show me a sign, highly-rated cherry wine, shine, puttin’ it all on the line, and for the worship set: thine.

“Heart” is a rather important word, but it falls into a rocky territory of linguistic linguini.

You’ve got apart, brand new start, horse before the cart, my lover is so smart, work of art, Quik-E Mart, and the last resort of desperate comedy writers: fart.

As you know, one’s heart is the organ that produces love juice, and yet, you can’t use it at the end of a line unless you’re somehow equipped to navigate around infamous, fermented clichés.

It hurts me in my blood pump.

But “love”!

“Love” kicks me in my rump bump something fierce.

All you need is love, right?

(Love is all you need.)

Love makes the world go ‘round.

Faith, hope, and love.

But the greatest of these is love!

You can’t avoid it.

You want to be true to the human experience.

You want to exaggerate the day-to-day functioning of real relationships.

You want to put “love” in every verse, chorus, and bridge!

But no.

Love rhymes with above and of.

Poof.

That’s it.

And you’re not supposed to end a line with a preposition!

If you care to use like a dove, skin-tight glove, or non-abusive consensual shove, be my guest, but I can’t be held responsible for what happens to you cosmically.

I don’t blame you.

I’ve been there.

It’s tough for all of us.

I suggest we come up with a new word for love.

How ‘bout “splee”?

Baby, you’re the one I splee.
Your name’s on the marquis.
You know nothing comes for free
Except my sea of splee.

I like it, but I’m open to suggestions.

Happy Friday!

as reported in The New York Times

October 24, 1908
PRICE OF LOBSTERS TO DROP.
Maine Commissioner Says They Will Soon Be a Cheap Article of Food.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That designer’s new fall line is awfully sick and sad looking. The models are made up to be grayish and anemic. I don’t know how to feel about this…

Highlight here for answer: [ashen fashion]


Entrances to Hell

God doesn’t play dice with the universe.
Albert Einstein

Not only does God play dice, but… he sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen.
Stephen Hawking

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2008
9:00 PM (Doors open at 8.)
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com

CRUELTY is now available!
Order the CD now at southpawjones.com.
Purchase MP3s at cdbaby.com or .
Grab a copy in real time at Waterloo Records, End of an Ear, or Bookpeople in Austin.
Or buy one from me any Thursday at Flipnotics @ the Triangle.
Thank you, come again!
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2008 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Man, I’ve got major writer’s block this morning.

Which is troubling, because I have to write “Conservative Sunset” for the show tonight.

I must procrastinate.

Um, cranberries are good for you, right?

But what happens when you mix cranberry with Grandma?

Cranny.

What happens when you mix cranberry with a city in Maryland?

Crannapolis.

Flock of Seagulls?

“And I cran, I cran so far away.”

My parents?

“Cran’t you do anything right, Southpaw Jones Esquire?

The westernmost section of Florida?

Cranhandle.

Willie Nelson?

“Cranzy for feelin’ so lonely.”

Whew, I feel better.

Come to the show tonight if you cran!

Flipnotics @ the Triangle!

8 pm!

[I apologize for everything you just read, but I cran't take it back.]

as reported in The New York Times

October 23, 1908
ROOSEVELT AS PLAYWRIGHT.
“Perhaps,” He Remarks When the Idea Is Suggested to Him.
WASHINGTON — Theodore Roosevelt, now President of the United States, but within a few months to become a private citizen, may write the “great American play.” This announcement was made to-day by no less an authority than the President himself. He said it laughingly, but there was a ring of conviction in his tone — a note almost jubilant and challenging.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Everyone in rush hour congestion went wild with nudity and sex this morning! I have never in my life seen such…

Highlight here for answer: [graphic traffic]


Entrances to Hell

Great designers seldom make great advertising men, because they get overcome by the beauty of the picture — and forget that merchandise must be sold.
James Randolph Adams

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2008
9:00 PM (Doors open at 8.)
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com

CRUELTY is now available!
Order the CD now at southpawjones.com.
Purchase MP3s at cdbaby.com or .
Grab a copy in real time at Waterloo Records, End of an Ear, or Bookpeople in Austin.
Or buy one from me any Thursday at Flipnotics @ the Triangle.
Thank you, come again!
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2008 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Times Online has an article titled “Do five simple things a day to stay sane, say scientists.”

I guessed that one of them is “Read a wildly generalized list of feelgoodery.”

I was wrong. Here they are:

Connect
Developing relationships with family, friends, colleagues and neighbours will enrich your life and bring you support

Be active
Sports, hobbies such as gardening or dancing, or just a daily stroll will make you feel good and maintain mobility and fitness

Be curious
Noting the beauty of everyday moments as well as the unusual and reflecting on them helps you to appreciate what matters to you

Learn
Fixing a bike, learning an instrument, cooking – the challenge and satisfaction brings fun and confidence

Give
Helping friends and strangers links your happiness to a wider community and is very rewarding

Source: Foresight report

Of course, these are all beautiful ideas, but who has the time to add five things to the ol’ routine?

Wake up, brush teeth, pet cat, pet girlfriend, shower, drive, balk, swagger, hover, sidle, grind, and blog.

That’s already a dozen things I gotta do everyday!

Now I have to add five more just for the sake of staying balanced?

I don’t think I can do it.

Unless…

…I create supra-activities that include all five sanity-boosters simultaneously!

Such as:

• Playing a new song about pretty flowers on a weighted guitar for my mother.

• Jogging through downtown with a friend dropping dollars for the homeless while thinking up funny nicknames for them.

• Trying a new recipe with a foster child on my back noting each new aroma with an original haiku.

That’s not a bad start, my friends.

I am on the way to perfect time management and mental health!

as reported in The New York Times

October 22, 1908
COL. TAYLOR’S ESCAPE.
Dropped When Mob Fired at Him and They Left Him for Dead.
MEMPHIS, Tenn. — “I guess the world will regard me as lucky, but after all I simply played a trick that any one in the heat of battle with the odds against him might play.”

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Note from Southpaw: Today’s rhyming words have different syllable counts. I usually try to avoid this, and I feel awful about it, so I’ll give you a clue. The first word has 3 syllables while the second word has 4. Enjoy!

This double-lens, long-distance viewer isn’t giving me an accurate picture of the landscape! There’s some kind of goofy clown drawing in there. Is this a gag? Take a look, and tell me this is not a…

Highlight here for answer: [jocular binocular]


Entrances to Hell

I sit on a man’s back, choking him, and making him carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for him and wish to ease his lot by any means possible, except getting off his back.
Leo Tolstoy

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2008
9:00 PM (Doors open at 8.)
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com

CRUELTY is now available!
Order the CD now at southpawjones.com.
Purchase MP3s at cdbaby.com or .
Grab a copy in real time at Waterloo Records, End of an Ear, or Bookpeople in Austin.
Or buy one from me any Thursday at Flipnotics @ the Triangle.
Thank you, come again!
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2008 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

We are now two weeks from Election Day.

Early voting has begun here in Texas.

I am prObama.

Why?

Mostly because I’m not dead inside.

Yes, the two-party system is nasty and government is nasty and democrats disappoint, but I really like Obama.

I like that he is truly a man of reason.

Smart.

Funny.

I may regret not being more involved in his revolution of hope.

I am not donating any time or money to the campaign.

I do not have an Obama bumper sticker on my car.

All I’ll contribute is my vote and this silly commentary.

The most important words I can share in the final days of this contest are these:

If you have an Obama bumper sticker on your car, PLEASE DRIVE WELL.

Don’t drive upset or sleepy or tipsy or stoned.

Look up directions and memorize them if you’re heading someplace new.

Don’t make right turns super-slow if there is someone behind you.

Obey all signs and laws and tenants of common sense.

I say this because I so often change my opinions and beliefs out of spite for bad drivers.

And I know I’m not the only one.

When I get cut off by an SUV with a Jesus fish on the back, I go straight home to perform a ritual sacrifice for Satan.

Is that a Darwin fish with cute little legs on it? Why didn’t you signal??? Now I gotta go to church on Sunday.

Pro-choice? Well, I used to be, until I fell behind a feminist going 20 mph under the limit.

Pro-life? Not anymore, since Mr. “Abortion Stops a Heartbeat” just sprayed windshield wiper fluid into my sunroof.

I think you get the point.

This doesn’t make me a flip-flopper so much as a bumper-jumper.

If you’re gonna represent Obama, please represent to the best of your ability.

Especially if you drive in a swing state.

You never know what is going to push someone over the edge.

You want voters to remember Obama’s brilliance in the booth, not your cell-phone-using, bass-blaring, green-light-ignoring, swerving, speeding, tailgating self.

After November 4, take off your sticker and feel free to forget all the rules.

Just like you did immediately after you got your license.

McCain sticker-ers, please continue to drive erratically and confuse the brake and gas pedals.

Thank you.

as reported in The New York Times

October 21, 1908
VOTE FOR SUNDAY GOLF.
Plainfield Club Has a Two-Hour Discussion Before Taking a Vote.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I like the way this thing cuts my grass, but I wish it were closer to the ground. Do you think I can trade it in for a…

Highlight here for answer: [lower mower]


Entrances to Hell

Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month. Others just go over them.
Katherine Mansfield

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2008
9:00 PM (Doors open at 8.)
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com

CRUELTY is now available!
Order the CD now at southpawjones.com.
Purchase MP3s at cdbaby.com or .
Grab a copy in real time at Waterloo Records, End of an Ear, or Bookpeople in Austin.
Or buy one from me any Thursday at Flipnotics @ the Triangle.
Thank you, come again!
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2008 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.