Southpaw Jones

Austinites, come on out to Flipnotics @ the Triangle tonight at 8 pm as Southpaw Jones pays tribute to Southpaw Jones!

In other news, out of all the late night personalities on TV, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, etc., the first to defy the writer’s strike is – wouldn’t you know it – Carson Daly! The company man without a plan! The blank-faced screw without a clue! The clean cut goob on the boob tube! The exemplar of all that is bland and flat about mainstream American entertainment.

I didn’t think he could do anything to generate more hatred. I’m actually quite impressed. He could be the greatest heel in pro-wresting if he wanted to be.

I don’t know much about the strike, but I do believe that writers should earn some kind of money EVERY SINGLE TIME some chiseled star utters their words for an audience. I think that’s a pretty simple concept.

I guess Carson Daly doesn’t agree with that, so he’s returning to the air next Monday. He’s looking for friends and family to submit jokes because he doesn’t have a staff of writers. You can see an e-mail to that effect at thesmokinggun.com.

I thought I’d do him a solid and compose his entire monologue for Monday night. Here goes:

Good night, everyone, it’s good to be back. Hello to my two dozen tween viewers with TVs in their bedrooms! I’m on the air tonight in the face of a well-publicized writer’s strike, so bear with me, while I work without much of a staff.

I wanted to come out and tell some jokes, but you’re looking at the biggest joke in town, so I’ll just stand here a few seconds.

[Pause for laughter.]

No, seriously, I would join the picket lines, but I’m afraid passersby would think a Home Depot had exploded if they saw a massive tool on the sidewalk.

[Pause for laughter.]

No, really, I would protest the big greedy companies, but people might think it was a petting zoo if they saw a jackass out there.

[Pause for laughter.]

Protesters might throw me through a window, since I have the personality of a brick.

[Pause for laughter.]

Honestly, police would get calls like this: “Um, I think Lorena Bobbitt is at it again, ‘cause there’s a dick on the side of the road!”

[Pause for laughter.]

“Officer, there’s a piece of garbage outside holding a sign! Is there some sort of radiation leak in the area that causes inanimate objects to unnaturally come to life?”

[Pause for laughter.]

Forgive me if I seem a little sore, I’ve been towing the company line all day long.

[Pause for laughter.]

You may notice my eyes bulging, because I’m an inflated sack of mediocrity.

[Pause for awkward silence.]

Has anyone seen my dignity?

Alright, we’ve got a great show tonight. Some utterly acceptable jerk is here to talk about an action movie, and a palatable Barbie doll will sing a song. Thanks to all my viewers in Kansas for your continued support.

I’m Carson Daly, and I’m a massive tool.
Jimmy Fallon, as Carson Daly

Money-gami!




One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That dried wound has a loose bit on one end. Do you think I will bleed more if I just pull that…

Highlight here for answer: [scab tab]

Thursday, November 29th, 2007
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
flipnotics.com

After the show…
Groundwork Music Project Benefit
Scoot Inn
1308 E. 4th Street @ Navasota
Austin, TX 78702

http://eastinns.com

An Influences Hoot Night featuring The Ginn Sisters, Chris Brecht and the Broken 45s, Cat Scientist, Graham Webber, The People vs De La Rosa, Ricky Stein and Friends, Synoptic Fusion, Abi Tapia, LeatherBag & Co., Slowtrain, Gary Graves, and Clifford. I’ll go on with Matt the Electrician around midnight.