She drove stop-and-go from work while listening to NPR. The reader reported matter-of-fact-ly on Richard Branson and Stephen Hawking, who had recently teamed-up to explore and populate the far reaches of space. “The powerhouse twosome is looking for two lucky and fertile women to take with them,” the story proceeded. “They have randomly placed ten golden tickets in the glove compartments of used cars throughout the States. Their belief is that God should choose the finalists, while a committee of college deans gets final say.”

Martha had bought her 4-door sedan two weeks ago, and though she detailed it with a tooth brush and baby wipes, she had never explored the glove compartment. She was second in line at a notoriously long red light when she reached over to learn her fate. Earthbound and bored or Space Mother of the Future.

She did not find a golden ticket. She found three human teeth and a map of Tuscany.

When she arrived at the apartment, she immediately told her husband about her odd discovery. Not one to be outdone, he responded, “Well, I found a mockingbird nest and an albino’s passport in the Subaru. Did you know there’s a new Beatles record?”

as reported in The New York Times

October 20, 1908
SPOOKS FROLIC ABOUT HIS STUDIO
The Artist at Least Hears Strange Noises and His Dog Gets His Bristles Up.
GIANT SNORES IN BATHTUB
Even a Supposedly Respectable Image of Buddha Has Mysterious Ticks in Its System.
Stuart Travis, the artist, known among his brother artists as the painter of pretty women and smart men, has been entertaining his friends lately with stories of queer doings in and about his studio, on the second floor of the old studio building at 112 West Fortieth Street. Mr. Travis himself has nothing whatever to do with these events, but he would like very much to know who has.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

You know that guy Joe that McCain loves so much? He isn’t licensed, he owes back taxes, and he doesn’t make anywhere near $250,000. You’d think McCain would want to find a smart, reputable personification of his ideals, but this Joe guy is not too bright. In fact, I challenge anyone to dig up a…

Highlight here for answer: [dumber plumber]


Entrances to Hell

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.
Cynthia Heimel

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2008
9:00 PM (Doors open at 8.)
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com

CRUELTY is now available!
Order the CD now at southpawjones.com.
Purchase MP3s at cdbaby.com or .
Grab a copy in real time at Waterloo Records, End of an Ear, or Bookpeople in Austin.
Or buy one from me any Thursday at Flipnotics @ the Triangle.
Thank you, come again!
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2008 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Yes, Papa, it’s big and scary.

And it’s comin’ this a’way.

No, Papa, don’t say that!

Oh, yes, boy, it’s a dark-minded, light-hearted, mind-bending sky-collection of words and music, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

But, Papa, we didn’t do nothin’ to bring on this awesome storm!

Don’t matter one twig, son. You see, every soul deserves a little CRUELTY.

Hold me, Papa.

No.
________________________________________________________________

You now have 20 days to live your life without CRUELTY! How shall you spend them?

CD Release Tuesday, July 29 @ Cactus Cafe.

as reported in The New York Times

July 9, 1908
ELEPHANT SAVES A BOY.
Catches Lad by Arm with Trunk as He Is Sinking in Lake.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Officer, I woke up this morning in a tub full of ice! At the hospital, they told me someone took part of my large intestine. That’s incredibly rude! You gotta help me find my….

Highlight here for answer: [stolen colon]


World’s Strangest Looking Animals

Words — so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.
Nathaniel Hawthorne

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2008
Cactus Cafe
The Texas Union, 24th & Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
CD Release Celebration for CRUELTY!
(512) 475-6515

http://utexas.edu/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php

You: Oops.
Bush: …I did it again!

Host: The Password is only traditionally just one word, Mr. President.

You: Error.
Bush: Flynn!

You: Not “Errol.” Error.
Bush: Baseball!

You: Regret.
Bush: Psychobabble!

You: Oversight.
Bush: Glasses!

You: Ok…slipup.
Bush: Dress!

You: Um…malapropism.
Bush: Pass.

You: This guy’s unbelievable!
Bush: Darwin!

You: Can I get a new partner?
Bush: Bill Clinton!

You: I give up.
Bush: Democrat!

You: No wonder your approval ratings are so low.
Bush: Mistake!

as reported in The New York Times

June 11, 1908
TAFT DEFIES A HOODOO.
Walks Under a Ladder After Thinking It All Over.
WASHINGTON — Secretary Taft was discovered to-day in a corridor of the War Department hesitating before a long ladder that straddled the passage. On its top were two workmen engaged in repairing a chandelier. The Secretary made a fine show of being interested in the operations of the men in the air, but he also was looking furtively around to see if he was observed.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

What goes on behind the doors of that beautiful resort? Do you assume relaxation? Do you…

Highlight here for answer: [suppose repose]


Colourful Coffins

Ideas came with explosive immediacy, like an instant birth. Human thought is like a monstrous pendulum; it keeps swinging from one extreme to the other.
Eugene Field

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11, 2008
9:45 PM
Cactus Cafe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 475-6515

http://texasboxoffice.com

Opening for Lisa Loeb!
________________________________________________________________

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2008
9:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant St. 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576

http://andersonfair.com

Doors open at 8:00pm

From a distance, folks describe her as “The Girl Who Can Fly,” so their friends and family come running only to find disappointment in the truth. Hovergirl is just kind of stuck, constantly suspended one-foot above the ground by an unknown force. She can’t soar, she can’t walk, and years of floating have left her with rather unimpressive posture. Pull her down to the ground, and she’ll pop right back up to her usual twelve-inch altitude. So, yes, I guess that’s it.

Hovergirl is cynical teenager, a safe dresser, and an average student. She went on talk shows and met the president when she was ten. She even had a bona fide Hollywood agent for a while, but all he could score was a commercial for a children’s anti-depressant called Li’l NumbX. In his last conversation with her parents, he said, “We’re in the age of CGI. If they want someone to float creepily all day, they’ll just wire up Dakota Fanning.”

Back home, she makes a little money singing the national anthem at events in surrounding counties. Her social life is limited to friendships with open-minded girls and comic book boys. She has been on a few dates, but only with members of the basketball team and other tall kids with shoddy hand-eye coordination. The majority of her human interaction involves gawkers. Gawkers at the mall, gawkers at the baseball field, and gawkers at church. She likes to silently time people as they stare at her shamelessly. If they stand there, mouth agape, for more than seven minutes, she assumes they don’t have cable television at home. If they keep it up for more than ten minutes, she instantly incinerates them with her laser eyes. Every girl deserves a few secrets, just like every town deserves a few missing persons.

as reported in The New York Times

April 28, 1908
HIGH PRICES FOR SAILORS.
Santa Barbara Charges $12 for a Room and 10 Cents for Pie.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

“Use dryer sheets frequently to make your clothes more comfortable,” my mama used to say. If she was short on time, she’d simply say…

Highlight here for answer: [soften often]


Mickey Feio

Gossip is charming! History is merely gossip . . . But scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
Oscar Wilde

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
with Matt the Electrician
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com

Originally posted November 30, 2006:

It was the first day of winter. Not the first day according to calendars or meteorologists or almanacs, but the first day that Martha really felt it. “It’s gonna be cold for a good long while,” she thought as she licked her chapped lips with her twice-pierced tongue. The first piercing was a mystery, the second an attempt at regaining some modicum of control.

She drove stop-and-go from work while listening to NPR. The reader reported matter-of-fact-ly on Richard Branson and Stephen Hawking, who had recently teamed-up to explore and populate the far reaches of space. “The powerhouse twosome is looking for two lucky and fertile women to take with them,” the story proceeded. “They have randomly placed ten golden tickets in the glove compartments of used cars throughout the States. Their belief is that God should choose the finalists, while a committee of college deans gets final say.”

Martha had bought her 4-door sedan two weeks ago, and though she detailed it with a tooth brush and baby wipes, she had never explored the glove compartment. She was second in line at a notoriously long red light when she reached over to learn her fate. Earthbound and bored or Space Mother of the Future.

She did not find a golden ticket. She found three human teeth and a map of Tuscany.

When she arrived at the apartment, she immediately told her husband about her odd discovery. Not one to be outdone, he responded, “Well, I found a mockingbird nest and an albino’s passport in the Subaru. Did you know there’s a new Beatles record?”