Southpaw Jones » List

Desperate Debate Ideas for McCain

Southpaw Jones — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 15:15:42 +0000

• Bring up William Ayers.
• Bring up Jeremiah Wright.
• Bring up Tony Rezko.
• Bring up Charles Keating and apologize.
• Stand on head.
• Say “The markets are erratic, so the president should be, too.”
• Show off artificially colorized baby pictures to appear younger.
• Make Obama touch the scars.
• Stand still and speak intelligently this time.
• Squawk like a chicken and claim that Obama doesn’t know how to handle “crazy.”
• Claim that the real McCain from the 2000 primaries is tied up in his basement and has offered to help with policy-making.
• Avoid use of Akmadenijad term “stinking corpse.”
• Replace VP candidate Sarah Palin with Barack Obama. Game-changer!
• Tell the world how you really feel about George W. Bush.
• Apologize for western civilization and white male rule and unnecessary war and beg voters to just make an old man’s dream come true.

as reported in The New York Times

October 15, 1908
GOING SOME, SAID SHERMAN.
Automobile Knocks Down a Horse, Kills Chickens, and Blows Out Tire.
CUBA, N.Y. — At the close of a fifty-mile automobile ride to-night from Hornell to Cuba, during which the car killed several chickens, knocked down a horse, and blew out a tire, James S. Sherman, Republican Vice Presidential candidate, stepped upon the hotel veranda and remarked: “Well, that was going some!”

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I like to whistle or something in the midst of mixing ingredients with a spoon. How ‘bout you? How do you entertain yourself…

Highlight here for answer: [during stirring]

Mad Men Illustrated

Habituated from our Infancy to trample upon the Rights of Human Nature, every generous, every liberal Sentiment, if not extinguished, is enfeebled in our Minds.
George Mason

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2008
7:00 pm
Bettysport
916 A. West 12th St. 78703
AUSTIN, TX
Happy Hour for Austin Duathletes and Austin Runners Club.
www.bettysport.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2008
9:00 PM (Doors open at 8.)
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com

Thank you, come again!
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2008 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Pop Quiz, Hot Shot!

Southpaw Jones — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:15:40 +0000

CRUELTY is now available!
Order the CD now at southpawjones.com.
Purchase MP3s at cdbaby.com or .
Grab a copy in real time at Waterloo Records, End of an Ear, or Bookpeople in Austin.
Or buy one from me any Thursday at Flipnotics @ the Triangle.

Matt the Electrician will rejoin me on the stage of Flipnotics @ the Triangle tonight. 8 pm!

How does that make you feel?
a) happy
b) excited
c) unattainable
d) medium well

We’ve performed together almost every week for six years. That is…
a) very impressive
b) a strange thing to brag about
c) too long to go without having a baby
d) one fermented duo

Which of the following is our competition tonight?
a) a major political debate
b) a major sporting event
c) day trading
d) none of the above

On stage, I like to think of myself as “this one.” What does that make Matt?
a) that one
b) those ones there
c) the decidedly non-Southpaw presence
d) whitey

Who should you bring to the show?
a) drink-buying Drew
b) tip-giving Timothy
c) laughter-spreading Lanny
d) record label executives from the songwriter boom of the 1970s
e) all of the above

Which folksy expression should I use tonight?
a) you betcha
b) gawl darn it to heck in a wicker basket
c) don’t cha know thet, ya big doof
d) that song sounded sweeter than a moose’s last breath

as reported in The New York Times

October 9, 1908
SAVED BY HIS TEETH.
Leo Stevens Opens Balloon Valve Thus 1,200 Feet in Air.
SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — A balloon catastrophe which might have meant the loss of three lives was averted this afternoon by Leo Stevens, who at the height of 1,200 feet climbed from the car into the rigging of the balloon Boston and, poising himself on his elbows, opened the safety valve with his teeth.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I was just brutally attacked by two bears! I can still see the shorter one in the distance, but I lost track of the…

Highlight here for answer: [taller mauler]

Fun with Pie Charts

When you argue with your inferiors,
you convince them of only one thing:
they are as clever as you.
Irving Layton

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2008
9:00 PM (Doors open at 8.)
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com

Thank you, come again!
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2008 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Sarah Palin’s Target Audience

Southpaw Jones — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 15:00:06 +0000

• Working Families
• Joe Six-Pack
• Kegger Ken
• Flask-Flinging Flannery
• Hockey Moms
• Soccer Moms
• Indoor Kid Moms
• Moms of Moms
• Dads
• Folks
• Pals
• Bouncers
• Slim
• Fatty
• Bush
• Bush Fans
• Jimmy Two-Legs
• Double-Arm Debbie
• Oxygen-Breathing Ollie
• Mammals Who Shop
• People Who Say “Neat-o!”
• Secessionists
• Whitey
• Random Randy
• Past-Clinging Patsy
• Fans of Random Word Generators

as reported in The New York Times

October 8, 1908
WOMAN FLIES WITH WRIGHT.
Mrs. Hart O. Berg First of Her Sex to Ride in an Aeroplane.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

If this economic situation continues to worsen, we may have to eat dirt soup! To prepare this dish, start by dropping some earth into a pot of hot, bubbling water. This part is pretty easy, I guess. Everyone knows how to…

Highlight here for answer: [boil soil]

Fun with Pie Charts

I often get letters, quite frequently, from people who say how they like the programmes a lot, but I never give credit to the almighty power that created nature, to which I reply and say, “Well, it’s funny that the people, when they say that this is evidence of the almighty, always quote beautiful things, they always quote orchids and hummingbirds and butterflies and roses.” But I always have to think too of a little boy sitting on the banks of a river in west Africa who has a worm boring through his eyeball, turning him blind before he’s five years old, and I reply and say, “Well presumably the god you speak about created the worm as well,” and now, I find that baffling to credit a merciful god with that action, and therefore it seems to me safer to show things that I know to be truth, truthful and factual, and allow people to make up their own minds about the moralities of this thing, or indeed the theology of this thing.
David Attenborough

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2008
9:00 PM (Doors open at 8.)
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com

Thank you, come again!
myspace.com/southpawjones
E-mail southpaw@southpawjones.com
©2008 Southpaw Jones. All rights reserved.

Movie Title Fun

Southpaw Jones — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 15:15:06 +0000

There are two really cool parts of a movie critic’s job.

1. Getting paid to watch movies
2. Making up funny, punny headings based on movie titles

I am not a professional reviewer, and I don’t have time to watch all the movies out there, so I’m going to focus on #2: Having fun with titles. I’ll give the name of a current film, then offer some puns for both positive and negative reactions, in the interest of fairness, since I haven’t seen any of them.

A warning: These may be excruciating.

BURN AFTER READING

Negative:
Spurn after Reading this Review!
Take a Ride on the Reading Railroad Far Away from this Picture!

Positive:
Return After Viewing!
Earn Laughter Treating Yourself to this Flick!

LAKEVIEW TERRACE

Negative:
Lakeview Terrible!
Lakeview Tear Us New Ones!

Positive:
Lakeview Terrific!
Enjoy the View! The One of the Lake!

EAGLE EYE

Negative:
An Eagle Just Pooped in My Eye! Figuratively!
It Would Take the Vision of a Bird of Prey to Find the Good in this Stinker!

Positive:
Legal High!
Clear Eye for the Great Spy! (Only an option if there is a spy in the film. Is there a spy?)

as reported in The New York Times

September 26, 1908
Coin Found in a Fish’s Backbone.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Oh, sure, now I’m a crusty, old, large serving spoon with a long handle, but I used to be a cute vessel in my baby bed. Somewhere around here, I still have a picture of that…

Highlight here for answer: [ladle cradle]

Custom My Little Ponies

He is wealthy enough, that wanteth not: he is great enough, that is his own master: he is happy enough, that lives to die well.
Joseph Hall

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2008
9:00 PM (Doors open at 8.)
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576
www.andersonfair.com

Benchmarks of Adult Success

Southpaw Jones — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 15:00:38 +0000

• Financial independence

• Debt-free lifestyle

• Multiple frames of reference

• Cool eyeglass frames and reference books

• Ability to punch a hole through drywall

• Unlimited access to chocolate

• Ability to refuse chocolate

• A connection to the unifying Thing

• Ability to be alone and quiet

• Limiting and recycling one’s waste

• Control of one’s waist

• Never having to smell a stranger’s waste

• Absolute minimum amount of fake laughter, fake conversations, fake sympathy, etc.

• Maximum of genuine laughter, conversations, sympathy, etc.

• Relationships that stabilize you when life drives you crazy

• Relationships that drive you crazy when life becomes too stable

• The realization that everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time, often backwards, often stumbling, often catching their wang in the zipper.

as reported in The New York Times

September 24, 1908
WOMAN WALDORF WAITER.
In Male Attire She Says She Has Served the Vanderbilts.
PHILADELPHIA — Augusta Seib came to this city to-day clad in men’s attire to ask the police if they would molest her if she started a fruit stand and conducted it in male attire. She told how for years she had lived in New York and earned her living as a waiter in large hotels until fear that she would be discovered drove her from the city.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That hobbit formerly known as Sméagol sure is humorless and somber since he lost his stupid ring. Is there anything we can do to cheer up ol’…

Highlight here for answer: [solemn Gollum]

Custom My Little Ponies

Worry: Interest we pay on trouble before it is due.
John Garland Pollard

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2008
9:00 PM (Doors open at 8.)
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Anderson Fair
2007 Grant 77006
HOUSTON, TX
713.528.8576

http://andersonfair.com