CRUELTY is now available!
Order the CD now at southpawjones.com.
Purchase MP3s at cdbaby.com or .
Grab a copy in real time at Waterloo Records, End of an Ear, or Bookpeople in Austin.
Or buy one from me any Thursday at Flipnotics @ the Triangle.

Tonight is the long-awaited Flipnotics @ the Triangle reunion of Matt the Electrician and me, Southpaw Jones. The song title of the week is “Hypodermic Needle (I Swear That’s Not Mine).” Come on down at 8 pm!

Wednesday, I’ll celebrate the release of CRUELTY with a focus on the lyrics at Bookpeople. Several of my friends from the music, drama, and Dick Monologues worlds will join me to orally interpret the words of the latest CD and some older hits. There’ll be free St. Arnolds beer, and it’s a great chance to pick up your copy of CRUELTY if you have not already done so.

And now, some Acronyms for Sarah Palin, the new star of the Republican party.
You may remember her as the woman who tried to destroy the optimism of the nation last night.
Most of these are nonsense, but either campaign can use them if they pay me $600.

PALIN

• Perhaps Another Lapse is Noticeable

• Please Agglutinate Ladies into Neoconservativism

• Politics Are Leaving Itchy Notches

• People Always Love Idiot Narratives

• Polls Are Likely Inaccurate. Next!

• Pull A Leper’s Insecure Nose

• Palins Are Linked to Independence Nutjobs

• Policies Are, Like, Important. Not!

• Pro-life, Anti-American Lady is New!

as reported in The New York Times

September 4, 1908
LASSOED OVER PRECIPICE.
New Yorker Whirls Rope Skillfully and Saves Comrade.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

Can you please duplicate this old computer disk for me? C’mon, man, I really need a…

Highlight here for answer: [floppy copy]


Animals Squashed Against Glass

There are only three kinds of pianists; Jewish pianists, homosexual pianists, and bad pianists.
Vladimir Horowitz

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2008
Celebrating the lyrics of CRUELTY!
BookPeople
603 N. Lamar
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 472-5050
www.bookpeople.com

CRUELTY is now available!
Order the CD now at southpawjones.com.
Purchase MP3s at cdbaby.com or .
Grab a copy in real time at Waterloo Records or End of an Ear in Austin.
Or buy one from me any Thursday at Flipnotics @ the Triangle.

• Thirty-pound toothbrush

• Take out power steering

• Habitat for Humanity

• Hot pursuit on foot

• Constipation

• Grating parmesan oregano

• Stiff door hinges throughout home

• Uninhibited sex

• Bury alarm clock in pile of weights

• Discus throw from the couch to cable news pundit faces

as reported in The New York Times

August 27, 1908
BUST OF TAFT STOLEN.
So Heavy That Wagon Was Necessary to Get Away With It.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

I’m tired of robots manning this ship! They are so boring! People make sailing the seven seas better. I swear, the next hire I make is going to be a…

Highlight here for answer: [human crewman]


The Most Curious Graves and Tombstones

Superior to all the religions is the Love of God and superior to all types of worship is seeing God.
Riaz Ahmed Gohar Shahi

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30, 2008
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
8:00 pm
Wyldwood House Concert
4205 Wyldwood Road
AUSTIN, TX
wyldwood.startlogic.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2008
Celebrating the lyrics of CRUELTY!
BookPeople
603 N. Lamar
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 472-5050
www.bookpeople.com

CRUELTY is now available!
Order the CD now at southpawjones.com.
Purchase MP3s at cdbaby.com or .
Grab a copy in real time at Waterloo Records or End of an Ear in Austin.
Or buy one from me any Thursday at Flipnotics @ the Triangle.

He’s so old, he thinks a cursor is a randy vaudeville comedian.
No, not John McCain jokes, Cindy McCain jokes!
Poor Cindy!

Now, no one likes to see a Cindy get hurt.
(Except Cindy Brady, of course. She drinks like a pig.)
But the idea of a supporter injuring a candidate’s wife…that is an irresistible concept, right up there with a vice president shooting his friend in the face. And since it’s Friday, here are some Easy-On-The-Arm Jokes:

• With friends like these, who needs a wellspring of national support?

• If you have no idea how to touch a woman, chances are, you just might be a McCain voter.

• Can I get overzealous neanderthal fries to go with that shake?

• Maybe she is actually made of porcelain.

• This is what you get for touching commoners.

• Just be glad he didn’t shake your tax returns out of your pocket!

• Under Bush Administration legal adjustments, tearing someone’s arm off is a perfectly acceptable greeting.

• Note to Cindy: Do not tell John that “The campaign trail is torture.” He will not take that well.

And my personal favorite…

• Republicans REALLY don’t know when to use force.

Ah, sweet relief. Come back Monday!

as reported in The New York Times

August 15, 1908
GOV. HASKELL WRITING SONGS
Trying Campaign Effusions on the Useful Newspaper Men.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

You know that veteran actor Jack from all those westerns and City Slickers? He had a great sense equilibrium and stability which allowed him to do those one-handed push-ups at the Oscars. Now that he’s gone, I realize how much I miss seeing…

Highlight here for answer: [Palance balance]


Blindfolded Cartoonists

Mick Jagger is about as sexy as a pissing toad.
Truman Capote

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30, 2008
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
8:00 pm
Wyldwood House Concert
4205 Wyldwood Road
AUSTIN, TX
wyldwood.startlogic.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2008
Celebrating the lyrics of CRUELTY!
BookPeople
603 N. Lamar
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 472-5050
www.bookpeople.com

I had to visit the dentist this morning, and my mouth is not happy with me as a result. It got pretty beat up. But we have to spend the rest of the day together, so we might as well get along, ok, mouth? You can sit there, swelling and sulking, or you can join me here at work like a good, functioning body part. I took you to that place for your own good, and I truly intend to floss you more often in the coming months, so get used to it.

Anywayz, here are some very real search strings that led folks to my humble site via Google, Yahoo, etc. in July. As always, I must add: I could not make these up.

• feline laryngitis
• skinny animals
• skinny black cats
• skinny black people
• Sexy French maid outfit
• spiderman torte
• What do Southpaw Jones and Mother Teresa have in common
• beef jerky navasota
• flirty text messages shorthand
• horny women in bryan/college station
• new ways of making out
• now that I’m in my thirties jones

as reported in The New York Times

August 4, 1908
LEG BROKE OFF IN CHASE.
It Being of Wood, Farmer Lashed Stick On and Caught Fleeing Boys.
GREENWICH — Nathan Sellick, a farmer of Banksville, turned over to the local police to-day four boys who had been raiding his apple orchard after the most novel chase that has ever taken place in the town.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

That honey-making insect is enjoying a slight wind as if he actually owned the air! I wish I could take a ride on the…

Highlight here for answer: [bee’s breeze]


Concept Typography Artwork, Animal Kingdom

This American system of ours … call it Americanism, call it capitalism, call it what you like, gives to each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
Al Capone

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30, 2008
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
8:00 pm
Wyldwood House Concert
4205 Wyldwood Road
AUSTIN, TX
wyldwood.startlogic.com
________________________________________________________________

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2008
Celebrating the lyrics of CRUELTY!
BookPeople
603 N. Lamar
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 472-5050
www.bookpeople.com

You now have 8 days to live your life without CRUELTY!
How shall you spend them?
CD Release Tuesday, July 29 @ Cactus Cafe.

I’m not too worried about the Great Global Depression. If it wants to come, maybe we should just let it come. Maybe it just wants a friend! It seems to me that a massive shift in our economics and lifestyle would result in skinnier, stronger, smarter, humbler, kinder, and possibly happier people. People like my grandparents who know the true value of simple food, water, and shelter. Maybe a bit of rock candy is all kids need for Christmas.

Anyway, if it all comes crashing down, here are some suggestions for places to hide the ol’ bullion. No one will ever find it in these locales:

• Melted into jewelry too tacky to be real
• Butt
• In mouth under porcelain crowns
• Anywhere in the abandoned Wall Street Journal building
• In the exhaust pipe of a Hummer on the side of the highway with a sign that says FREE, PLEASE TAKE.
• Wrapped in a few of your famous chocolate bars, you reclusive eccentric, you
• In the lobby of the George W. Bush Presidential Library
• Covered in U.S. dollars
• Inside Southpaw’s bronze medal from the 1996 Olympics

as reported in The New York Times

July 21, 1908
A BALLOON FREIGHT LINE.
Boston Law Firm Organizes to Establish Aerial Carrying Company.

One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

My first wife was too shy to wave from across the room, but the…

Highlight here for answer: [second beckoned]


World’s Worst Comic Book Museum

You have summoned me in my weakness. You must sustain me by your strength.
Franklin Pierce, Inaugural Address

EVERY DANG THURSDAY
8:00 PM
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
(512) 380-0097
www.flipnotics.com
________________________________________________________________

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2008
Cactus Cafe
The Texas Union, 24th & Guadalupe
AUSTIN, TX
CD Release Celebration for CRUELTY!
(512) 475-6515

http://utexas.edu/txunion/ae/cactus/index.php