Southpaw Jones presents
Thoughts/feelings that just might not matter:
Monday
Were it up to me
Neither your Mon
Nor your Day
Would haunt me
Every seventh rotation
You say
“Ah, but Tuesday
Would take my place
As your tormentor.
Would he not?”
I say
“No, I don’t think so.
Tuesday would never do that to me.
We’re buds. We’re pals.
His tone is calmer
And he’d do a great job
In your stead.”
You say
“Blech.”
Monday, dang you!
If you and I were in a wrestling match,
I would pummel you into submission.
No, I would hold you down for the count:
ONE! TWO!
Then I’d pick you up arrogantly
And beat you up some more
ONE! TWO!
Nope, not quite done.
CAMEL CLUTCH!
I want to hear you say
“My name is Monday,
And I quit.”
If you were pizza dough,
I wouldn’t even top and cook you.
I’d roll you out until you were paper thin.
Until you covered the whole state of Texas.
Then, I’d release 3 million toddlers to run all over you
And blow their noses on you.
And roll their Tonka trucks on you.
And have tea parties with you.
And pee on you.
If you were a gym,
I’d buy a membership
Then grunt really loud all day
While lifting weights
Until your entire clientele
Got fed up and stopped coming.
Then I’d throw a dumbbell
Through your front window
Burn you down
And pee on you.
Monday.
I hate your guts.
Southpaw Jones presents
iPawed [Original]
Pound for pound, the best sounds around. For free!
FREE MP3s of my 10 “Greatest Hits,” available for a limited time. Get ‘em and share ‘em while you can!
Whoops! I completely let this slip last week, and I apologize. Next on the list, from Live @ Bongo Java, is a song about the little things that separate people in day to day life.
Southpaw Jones presents
Scared of Santa:
Southpaw Jones presents
If I Had a Million Dollars
Unnecessary products that inexplicably tempt me:
Visual Kit for The Blood of Jesus
USD $124.95
Including:
Crown of Thorns
One Crucifixion Nail
Cat of Nine Tails Whip
Tabernacle Felt Set
Life-size Latex Heart Model
Kids Discover Magazine on Blood
Scarlet Cord with Tassels
Cardboard Ark of the Covenant
Cardboard Brazen Altar
Instructions to Make High Priest Costume
Instructions to Make a Temple Veil
Chef’s cap for High Priest’s Crown
Judge’s Gavel
Simplicity Patterns for Bible costumes
Southpaw Jones presents
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
Garrison Keillor
Thank you, come again!
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