Southpaw Jones

All the world’s a condo,
And all the men and women merely appliances.
Some are toasters, some are televisions.
Some are vacuums, some are ceiling fans.
Some are vibrators, some are refrigerators.
Some, unfortunately, are born to be toilets.
Porcelain gods.
Black bowled.
Texas teapots.
Skimming pools.

We call these people Sad Sacks.
The only reason I can talk about them with any modicum of humor is that I’m pretty sure I’m not one.
Blessed me!
Please, God, let it never be!

However, I don’t know about you, fair reader.
You may need to take the following test to find out your status.
Good luck, and apologies to Jeff Foxworthy.

You Might Be a Sad Sack if…

• …your child discovers sarcasm in the delivery room.

• …your dog dies choking on its new flea collar.

• …your boss keeps taking your stapler and moving your desk.

• …some THC crystals fall off your shirt and into your urine test.

• …you still have a W sticker on your car.

• …you still have a Kerry/Edwards ‘04 sticker on your car.

• …you go to the dentist and come out with pink eye.

• …you were christened Katrina Hussein Kucinich.

• …you’re jealous that Eleanor Rigby got to score all that free rice.

• …you accidentally sit on your lava lamp and stare at your chair all day.

• …your ring tone is the same song as the title sequence of an indie film your date directed ten years ago. Critically, the movie was a mixed bag. Financially, it was a well-publicized disaster. Your phone rings. She thinks you did it on purpose. You did. You thought it would be cute. She stabs.

• …you get a mole removed only to discover it was an alien marker placed on your shoulder so your true, hyper-intelligent parents could locate you and whisk you away to an advanced world where there is no death, disease, or disappointment. Your doctor tosses it in the garbage. Your shoulder becomes infected. You die of disease and disappointment.

If this test helped you come to the realization that you are a Sad Sack, I’m dreadfully sorry. Don’t shoot the messenger!

Quotopia
Freshly-picked quotes from the ol’ reference collection:

There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there’d be something I’d miss that was funny in the future. If there’s a chance I’m going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.
Dave Navarro

Online Museum of the Week
Matt Forderer:

The Encounter

Rhyme Thyme!
One clue whose answer consists of two rhyming words:

When I think about the shallow world of fashion, I get that acidic stuff rising up in my throat. What do you call that, doc?

Highlight here for answer: [style bile]

Upcoming Show(s)
Where can I see Southpaw in the flesh?

Thursday, August 30th, 2007
8:00 PM
Matt the Electrician & Southpaw Jones
Flipnotics at the Triangle
4600 Guadalupe
Austin, TX
(512) 380-0097
http://flipnotics.com
The New Weekly Show!